


Hidden Glowing Galaxies

by SeaOfOurEyes



Category: Hiddlesbatch - Fandom
Genre: Hiddlesbatch AU, M/M, Personal story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2018-12-22 17:32:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11972235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaOfOurEyes/pseuds/SeaOfOurEyes
Summary: Cliches. They are always the same. But then... what's not cliche? Are non-cliches that different that they can actually be considered as "different" or are they just as expected that they are just a disguised cliche?Benedict could sum up his life on that, like he had finally found what is the meaning of life.Or maybe just shake his head and throw it away.He didn't know.But that was the whole point, after all. Searching, expecting, disappointing, expecting again, staying, trying. Until you actually find it. Until you actually feel.And that was the road he was finally tracking.





	1. Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Cheers, everyone.  
> In case you're reading this and has no idea of what you'll find next these lines, I give you a hint: it's a totally personal story which I wrote based on my life BUT using my/our favorite actors as the main characters.  
> They had always been our symbol and they had united us so, that's that.
> 
> And for you, my dearest one: I hope you enjoy this as much as I did with the writing. As I already told you, it'll be as a way to keep some of our initial memories saved through words and lines. 
> 
> I love you.

* * *

 

Always late.   

He was almost 18 and he never had anyone in his life.

He was not at any university yet.

And he wanted to study ARTS.

“ _F_ _or God’s sake_.” He thought while making his way back home after his theater classes. “ _I_ _just wanna get home and watch my tv shows_.”

And so he did, and it helped him to forget his colleagues conversations about their first girlfriends and boyfriends, their first kisses, their first dates and even their first nights and days having sex.  
  
Benedict was close to completing 18 years old, and so far, he had none of that.

Well, he had a boyfriend once. An online boyfriend who he had completely, crazily fallen in love with. But in the end his butt was kicked off so hard that the part that was affected ended up being his heart.

He suffered for a few months. But he got through it.  

His mind made him think that being gay was just a phase. It was only a nice boy that liked the same things he did, nothing more than that. But time teached him the contrary, or else he wouldn’t have spent hours of his life reading gay fanfiction when he turned 16.

He had a few friends. The good thing about loving tv shows and actually studying theater is that he could easily make friends.

Ioan was one of them. They started getting closer when they found out they liked a show in common called _The Mentalist_. After that, they would spend days chatting and commenting about other tv shows.

Carl was also a… friend. Sort of. _The Mentalist_ was also the reason why they got… close. It was his all time favorite show at that moment and Carl relationship with him was complicated. And Benedict **hated** complicated things. He was the good vibes type. Not a hippie or something but he just always wanted to have his own peace of mind left intact.

Maybe that’s why he had never kissed anyone. At least that’s how he used to think. So did Ioan. He also never succeeded on relationships, crushes and all of that. Ben kind of liked that, he knew it was a bit selfish but it was comforting to know he wasn’t alone.

Benedict desperately needed to stop being and feeling so alone, even though he actually had people in his life.

He **needed** something new.

Mainly because his favorite tv show had just ended and he hadn’t planned anything to go on with his life.

“I really don’t know how to go on with my life”, he tweeted. “At least Jisbon is canon.”

“But I still don’t know how to go on with my life.”

\- God. - He sighed, boredom taking his entire soul. And then his phone started to ring and he almost kneeled in the ground for gratitude. - Hey, Ioan! What’s up?. - He answered.

__\- Ben! Dude. I’ve got big news._ _

\- Oh dear Lord please just tell me because I am about to hatch in boredom. - He said hearing his friend’s laugh in the other line.

__\- Seriously. Remember that show we were talking about? That we’ve been seeing people talk about on twitter?_ _

\- Yeah… yeah. The one called Forever, right?

__\- Precisely. I have just watched it and it’s bloody amazing! You’re gonna love it and I swear you’ll be able to fill your Mentalist emptiness._ _

\- I don’t know about that…

__\- Just watch it! Then you come and tell me that I was right. Gotta go now. DO IT!_ _

\- Well, I really hope you’re right. - Ben said to his screen, watching the phone fade since the call was over.

And that was it. It was 2am in the morning and Benedict was finishing the last Forever’s episode that had been premiered. He loved the feeling of falling in love with a show without needing second attempts. That was the true meaning of love at the first sight.

The next day was just like he predicted: when he arrived at his classes, he went directly to Ioan to say the expected sentence:

\- Okay! You were DEFINITELY right!

\- I told you! - Ioan answered cheerful.

\- My God, I am so thankful you presented me that. I was needing it so bad.

\- I know, mate. That’s what friends are for. And look, I’ve got some other friends that watches it too, we could do a group chat or something.

\- Wait, really?

\- Yeah! Look… meet me in the Coffee Shop at 3. I’ll invite them too and I’ll present them to you.

Benedict couldn’t believe what was happening. A new tv show and now new people? He must have been dreaming or something.

\- Deal. Thank you, I’d really love that.

\- It’s okay, dude. You really... you know, you really need new people in your life… - Ioan said directing his gaze to Carl in the end of the room.

\- Yeah. I really do. - Ben sighed deeply and made his way to sit and pay attention in the class that was about to begin. He tried hard to focus but he was too excited to that meeting. That was the new thing he was needing in his life, not only a new tv show. He needed friends. He needed someone specific in his life, but that, he didn’t know yet.

The classes lasted all the years of his life, but it had finally come to an end, after all. He made his way home as usual, completed his tasks and got ready to meet Ioan and his new friend-

“ _Slow down, Benedict. It’s just some new people. Stop deluding yourself tagging them as friends already._ ” He rolled his eyes and made his way off home.

Ten minutes took him to reach the coffee shop and thankfully, Ioan was waiting him outside.

\- Hey, Ben! I’m glad you came. - He said giving Ben a little wave. - The guys are inside already, come on.

The shop was practically empty. Only a group of people sitting in the back of the shop, which he prayed it wasn’t Ioan’s friends because it was simply TOO MANY people. Like, five of them. And another table close to the window with a boy and a girl sitting and chatting. Gladly and for Ben’s relief, that was the table Ioan was walking to.

\- Hey guys, here he is. - His hand pointed at Ben, and Ben gave them a shy smile. Mainly to the blonde blue-eyed boy.

\- Hey…! - He raised his hand for a little wave.

\- I’m Thomas. - the boy smiled at Benedict, standing up and shaking their hands first. He was wearing an Iron Man shirt, Ben realized. “ _Alright. I already like him._ ”

\- I’m… Benedict. - He smiled back, admiring his eyes for a brief, weird moment - to himself. Because for him it was always weird to meet someone new. Weird like “ _wow, a new person! Will we turn best friends forever? Perhaps share each other’s tastes and… talk about life? Or maybe we’ll just forget about each other in a few days. Who knows?_ ”

\- And this is Alana. - Ioan said, touching her back gently. The weird hugs and handshakes repeated again, with the same weird-Ben-thoughts. 

And like that they had spent the rest of the afternoon, talking about their favorite tv shows in common, sharing some laughs, until it was getting late and they get back to their lives.

Except that… their lives changed after that meeting. Or at least two of them did, though none of them knew that yet.

Time passed through, the four of them created the habit to meet with some frequency in the same coffee shop to talk about what they wanted. They were the _Perfect Four Squad_ , and everything was nice when they were reunited. They would laugh, share their tastes, talk about their lives… It was a good friendship, in the end. It was what Ben needed, but he was still needing it a bit more. Mainly because the main issue of their friendship was the fact that Alana and Ioan had created a bigger intimacy between them. And Ben and Thomas were starting to go down to the same road.

\- You guys are like Henry and Jo. - Thomas affirmed while looking at Alana and Ioan.

\- I agree. Everything matches but you’re too stubborn to accept it. - Benedict agreed right away.

\- Stop, you two! - Alana said already blushing. - You say that because you aren’t looking at yourselves at the mirror.

Benedict’s heart jumped a little at that moment, and he asked himself why. That was getting more frequent everyday, and he really didn’t want to believe he was going to crush someone else unreachable again.  

\- Nah, Ben’s too busy with Sophie.

\- WhAT? - Ben got immediately pink. - I have got nothing with her.

\- Hmmm… I wouldn’t be sure about that. All the comments and likes she leaves on your social medias?

\- That’s- but that’s her doing, not mine.

\- Come on, she’s cute!

\- God. - He put a hand over his face, and took courage to say his next words. - You’re cuter.

\- Awwww! - Ioan and Alana said in unison. - You should marry.

\- Well… someone would have to do the proposal. - Tom affirms with expected intentions.

\- Usually the man do that but in our case… - Benedict shrugged. He knew the truth was that they were just kidding but it felt so good and he was enjoying it so much… it could only mean one thing. - Okay, okay. - He cleared his throat and straightened his posture, looking directly to Thomas’ blue eyes. - Will you marry me, Tom?

\- Oh FUCK! - Was Tom’s immediately reaction, and they all laughed.

\- I’ll take that as a yes!

And that was the beginning of it all. Benedict knew it wasn’t real, he knew it was like… a roleplaying game of real life, they weren’t actually going to marry, but he was enjoying it and he wanted to hold onto that as much as he could so he would escape from his own reality. Pretend to live a happy love life. It was good, it felt good, it almost felt real.

And it was so nice to have friends that would accept him as he was. That was really helping him to find himself out as actually gay.

\- Okay, so what if we marry in the same day? We could have this huge party… - Tom went on after they all settled down with the emotions.

\- A huge party? With four people? - Ben laughed at Tom’s idea.

\- Shut up, Ben.

\- Make me.

\- Oh, get a room, you too! - Ioan interrupted and they all bursted in laughs once more.

\- Seriously, though. - He went on. - We could break into a church, and marry each other off.

\- Simple like that, huh? - Alana said ironically.

\- What could ever go wrong? - Ioan followed her.

\- You’re no fun, are you? - He breaks the excitement on his face.

Benedict wasn’t really getting if Tom was serious or not but, inside, he was screaming to have such adventures. He was simply exhausted of having the same old life, and he desperately needed a refuge. Mainly from certain people of his life. He still needed new things, more and more.

- Well, thank God we are. - He finally answered, confidently, directing his gaze to his pretend-to-be partner. And in that moment he saw a light in the end of the tunnel in Tom’s eyes. He was, indeed, being serious about the “adventure”, and Benedict contained himself to not jump into the other’s arms and kiss that wonderful mouth he h-

“ _Focus, Benedict._ ” he thought, stopping himself from suddenly dreaming. “ _What the hell am I thinking!?”_

\- Are you serious? - The excitement on on Tom’s face was back again and it was wonderful.

\- Oh, come on guys! We can’t break into a church! - The girl stepped in again, while Ioan was trying to decide which side he would support.

\- Why not? They won’t accept gay marriage so we’ll enter whether they like it or not.

\- That’s my Ben.

\- That's me. - His heart jumped again and he was seriously trying to hide that, even from himself.

And then a phone call happened.

\- Hey…- Tom said, smiling to his phone after getting up and walking a bit away from the table, as if he didn't really wanted his friends to know what or with who he was talking with.

But Benedict knew, and his heart pinched a little in jealousy even though he still wasn’t admitting to himself that he was actually already in the point of feeling jealous of Thomas. What he also knew was that their reunion would be over after that phone call. But he was okay with it, he had things to study and… someone else to deal with.

\- Yeah, okay, I’ll be there. - After hanging up, he came closer but didn’t get back to his seat. - Uhm, guys…- He took his hand to his head, as if he was embarrassed to tell he was about to leave. - I’m afraid I have to go.

\- Me too, I should get back to work now. - Alana said and they all stood up saying their goodbyes, each following their way to their own compromises and routines.

But Benedict… his body left that place and those companies, but his mind would stay there, thinking, remembering the jokes, the smile, the eyes, the hair…

Those were the type of thoughts that were starting to be so constant in Benedict’s mind. He just couldn’t stop it. It was just another simple walk back home like all the others, but he couldn’t stop having the same line of thoughts every time he said goodbye to his friends, to Thomas… the one who was making him feel something new, something… hopeful, but still very hidden. The one who was distracting Ben from the person he wanted to get rid of the most-

\- Benedict.

 _"Oh no_.” Rolling eyes. Snort. Facepalm. He’d do all of that in the same second, all in his mind, every time he first heard that voice in the day.

\- ... Hey, Carl. - He answered, reluctant, crying inside when realizing he was like two steps away from his house’s front door but was too late.

\- You were there again, weren’t you?

\- Excuse me?

\- You met him again.

\- Oh don’t fucking start it. - It was getting harder and harder to hold his shit together.

\- Start it!? You were the one who fucking started it all! And then started with SOMEONE ELSE! - Carl almost shouted at him, starting once more his jealousy crises where the discussion would start until they were too tired to go on.

When Benedict finally managed to actually enter his own house, he headed straight to his room. He felt like shit, like a complete idiot, and the worst thing was that he was getting used with that. Every damn day, Carl would show up and throw Benedict’s failures on him. And every damn day Benedict would feel bad about it, even though deep down he knew the things he has done wasn’t failures at all. He was just trying to be free.  
  
When he first met Carl, he was a nice guy. Cheerful, funny. His heart belonged to him for a while… but Carl had girlfriends in that period, so Benedict got over it, and found out too late that Carl was bissexual and that they could actually have had a little something.

But life knows what to do and Ben was sure it was for better that his crush was only temporary. If not being in a relationship with Carl was so complicated, imagine being in one.

So timing was simply terrible between them, because now was Carl turn to feel things for Benedict. And Benedict was paying for all his sins with that platonic love.

After getting inside his room, he collapsed on his bed, irritated, tired, impatient. He didn’t feel like crying, but he wished he could vanish. He searched for his phone in his pocket, and after getting it on his hands, his fingers automatically tapped to Tom’s chat. He stared at the screen for a bit, but locked his phone again in the end. He wouldn’t dare to disturb Thomas while he’s with his big time crush. It was his moment.

But Benedict wished it was their moment.

Truth is, he really wanted to be closer. He saw Thomas and all he could think of was how bad he wanted to be a really, really nice friend of his. That kind of friend who he knew Thomas would search for him when he needed to. That kind of friend that he knew he could count on, that he would be able to talk about his problems and talk about music, shows, the universe and everything for hours long.

He just wanted Thomas do trust him as much as he was willing to trust him.  
  
But he was scared to approach and ruin everything again.

He was scared to approach and _someone_ ruin everything for him again, taking all his right of freedom away.

Ben deepened his face against his pillow. Maybe if he kept doing that the pillow would come to life and take him off to another dimension.

He was so tired.

And so was Thomas.

And that connection, along with others, they would find out soon.

 

 

* * *

 


	2. Connected

* * *

  

 

7am.

Ben's phone was desperately ringing, but his sleep was desperately wanting to stay quiet. 

He murmured against his pillow and tapped his phone so it would shut up. Fighting his own eyes, he managed to open them after a while with some difficulty. It wasn't just his eyes that were feeling so heavy though... his mind, his heart. Almost every morning he would feel like that. He missed that part of happiness he used to have, which would help him do anything, even get up from bed. The one thing that would make him feel it was the theater. And his _Perfect Four Squad._  He loved them with all his heart. He loved escaping from reality, after all, but escaping wasn't all the time, unfortunately. He had to deal with life, one hour or another. 

And so, after his usual morning routine, he escaped for his classes. 

His stomach pinched a bit to think about seeing Carl, the memories of their discussion in the day before was still screaming in his head. He wanted  **so bad** to put an end to that. He wanted so bad to make peace with the boy. But Benedict felt like Carl didn't want to, he wanted something Benedict couldn't give, and it was like he would never stop insisting until he got it, or until he makes a really bad decision and gives up on all. 

That frightened Benedict the most. But what could he do? Sometimes he thought about giving in, giving what Carl needed so he would at least stop having so many crises and so many sadness. But that idea hardly lasted in his mind, what would be the use of giving someone all they wanted in despite of all your freedom and comfort? 

The curly boy sighed and entered in his classes, putting away his thoughts. For both his relief and worry, Carl wasn't there. But he tried to focus on his tasks. It'd be a good day, he'd have his favorite subjects, it was Friday and his squad was going to meet at night. He wouldn't let anything ruin that. 

During the break, Ioan and him chatted about their schedules. Benedict suspected that Ioan was falling in love for Alana, but he wasn't so sure, they hadn't actually "proposed" to each other like he and Thomas had done, but he still felt like there was something going on between them, and it wasn't just pretending, it wasn't just a roleplay thing. 

Just like Thomas and him-

" _Oh my God, Benedict. Shut your mind._ "

And so he did, and the classes went on and it was all fine.

Except it wasn't.

By the exit, Benedict stopped and hesitated. Carl would be even more mad if he didn't ask about his absence and for all that matters, Benedict was worried about him. What if he had actually done the worst this time? 

In an impulse, he took his phone out of his pocket and texted him. He was calm, he pushed their fight away and sent a message without fear.

"Hey... you didn't come today. Is everything okay?"

He waited a few moments, Carl was always quick with answers. 

"Fine."

If Benedict dived in a pool full of ice, it wouldn't feel as cold as that message.

But he couldn't complain. Lately Benedict had been cold with the boy too. He had pushed him away as hard as he could, even tried to have something with someone else while pushing Carl more and more away, but everything went to ruins when he had found out. 

And Benedict, of course, was still blaming himself for "betraying" Carl, even though they had never even started something like a dating relationship.

So he was just receiving the bad he had done against himself. He was  _okay_ with that.

But today he was still convinced of not letting anything ruin everything, so he went back home, completed his tasks, finished his homework, prepared himself and waited for time to pass so he could meet his friends. Meanwhile, they were all chatting online.

-  _Alana, please let us know when you're done there in your work. -_ Ioan reminded her again.

-  _I will, love. Don't worry. -_ She answered.

\- Love? - Benedict typed right quickly, smiling at his screen.

-  _Yeah... -_ Ioan kept typing and Benedict anxiously waited for an explanation. So did Thomas, smiling to his screen just like Benedict was. -  _Okay! I asked her hand too, you know, some days before you guys did. I wanted to tell but you guys were having your moment so I didn't want to take the attention, sorry._

 _\- OH MY GOD MY OTP IS CANON_ \- Both Thomas and Benedict reacted, and Ben's heart got warm. He loved when they had those connection moments. 

-  _Always so connected, Ben._

- Always _. -_ Ben answered with a big smile. 

-  _OK GUYS, I'm out. Again, are you sure about this?_

 _-_ Hell yeah.

-  _I am. -_ Thomas said.

-  _I'm not, but well..._

 _-_ Oh come on, Ioan. It'll be fun. I'll see you guys in 10, then!! 

-  _Fiiiiiine. Alana, I'm picking you up in 5._

_\- BEN!_

_-_ YEAH?

_\- CAN I PICK YOU UP TOO? IN A DIRTY WAY I MEAN_

_-_ OH MY GOD JASDJFKF JUST DO IT, BABE

-  _Holy shit you guys. I already told that once, gET A ROOM._

Benedict laughed with himself. God, he loved Thomas. Well, in a... in a friend way, of course. 

He left his phone in his pocket and made his way out. He was feeling fancy. He put some new shoes, black pants and a black shirt. Almost a complete suit. He only didn't put a suit on because his parents would find it weird and he really didn't think it was that necessary. It was just a joke, after all. Sort of... 

10 minutes later, he was waiting outside at their coffee shop. Thomas arrived in the exact same moment and Ben's heart jumped. _Again._

" _Wow..._ "

\- Hey Ben! - He happily cheered while coming closer.

\- Hello you. - Ben smiled. - You look wonderful.

\- Ah... thank you! So do you. - Both got a little pink with the compliments. - I've made an effort so, you know, my future husband would go crazy...

\- Oh my God. He could go crazy against this wall immediately. 

\- Ben! - Thomas said in a laugh and Benedict followed him. They would always joke about sexual subtexts and teases. They were becoming experts in that. - I'm pinky. 

\- You're beautiful. 

\- Aww. - He lead his hands to his face, as if he wanted to hide. - I can't with you.

\- Of course you can- hey! There's our couple coming. 

Ioan and Alana got out of Ioan's car and made their way close to the boys. The couple was looking pretty fancy too. Alana was wearing a nice red dress while Ioan got a nice shirt and jacket with his usual scarf above. They were, in fact, a  _perfect four_ squad. 

\- Hello beauties. - Alana came, cheerful. 

\- You look gorgeous, girl! - Tom said when greeting her. 

\- So do you guys! - She answered when hugging Ben, and he complimented her just as well. Ioan came after, and they chatted for a brief moment before making their way to Ioan's car. 

\- Guys... - Ioan started, before starting the car. 

\- Ioan, dude. - Ben interrupted. - If you ask if we're sure one more time I swear I'll marry Thomas off without you. And I'm taking Alana with us. Without. You.

\- Ooh. Rad Ben. - Tom teased.

\- Fine! Fine. Let's go. - The driver started the car, giving up. - If we get in prison, don't tell me I didn't warn.

\- Jeez, Ioan. We're just going to a church. - Tom said while laughing of Ioan's drama. 

Ioan tried to convince them a few more times, but it was three against one. Alana had joined the boys' side and her partner wouldn't be able to escape. They were decided to do that  _marriage_. 

Benedict couldn't tell when was the last time he had so much fun, and the night hadn't even properly started yet, so he couldn't avoid a constant smile on his face. And he realized Tom was happy too, which made him feel so comfortable and extremely excited for what could happen until the end of the night.

About 15 minutes later, Ioan parked his car next to the city's main square where the church was located. They all got on their feet and headed to one of the church entrances. It was all dark and the doors were closed, but Alana knew about churches and she knew some tricks. Their squad name wasn't for nothing. 

\- Come on, boys. Over here. - The girl lead them and opened a little lock below the door, and then, after 5 minutes in maximum, they were in. Their whispering laughs were now a lot more clear than outside with the echoes, but they couldn't help. They were inside the church after all. To perform a fake marriage. 

\- Fuck! We're actually in. - Thomas said, still between echoed whispers.

\- Fuck! We're saying fuck inside a church! - Ben said while laughing. 

\- Lord have mercy. - Ioan took a canteen out of his pocket and drank something that were inside it.

\- Ioan! What the hell? - The girl squeaked, and all Ben and Tom could do was laugh. It was beautiful how happy both of them were, Ben realized that. And he was almost realizing that he really wanted that to be real. 

\- Come on, Hiddles! Let's get to the altar. - Ben invited him. 

\- I love when you call me like that. - He followed, accepting his invitation. 

\- You know, you're the Hiddles of my Batch, and together we form the Hiddlesbatch ship. 

\- YOU'RE SO CUTE! - Thomas said out loud, the church echoing more. Benedict laughed freely in response. He loved when Thomas overreacted like that. 

When they reached the altar, Ben held Tom's pulse with some fondness and stood in front of him as a couple that's actually about to marry. Alana and Ioan came to sit in one of the front seats.

\- So... - Tom started, shyly. 

\- Sooo... - Ben went on. - I don't know what to say. 

\- Me neither! I guess it's just that... sickness or health stuff? - Both smily and pinky.

\- Probably. Okay. I'll improvise something. 

\- Do it. I trust you. 

\- Thank you! Alright. Uhm... Well... - Heartbeats. So intense. - I know we've known each other for like... a few months? But yeah... Erm. I love you, Tom. Like... you know, in that way of ours. - " _And maybe a bit more._ " - And all has been really fun so far. All the jokes, all the connections, all the sexual teases that makes me laugh my ass off. I know we don't talk too much, like, not as I wanted... - Ben started to get _really_ pinky. " _Thank God it's a bit dark in here._ " - I mean. I really want to talk more with you, you know? I enjoy your company very much, I feel like we could be truly good friends. Sometimes I even notice that you're a bit down, and I feel like asking and trying to help, but I'm always insecure about it. At the same time, I also feel like talking about me to you. From what I've seen, you must be an amazing person who knows how to hear someone, and demonstrates how much you like them and how much you care, and that is something that proves someone’s quality, I believe... You are really an amazing person, and I admire you, a lot. 

\- Oh God, Ben... - His voice already tearful. 

\- That was all a bit messy, sorry, but it's true. My days are more cheerful when I talk with you... Anyway... no more delays. We have more marriages today. 

\- Get a room! - Ioan played with them.

\- Shut up! - Alana slapped his arm.

The boys rolled their eyes and laughed, but focused their attention on each other again.

\- Finally. - Ben went on. 

Thomas also felt his heart jump at that moment. But it was very, very hidden.

\- Do you accept me, my Hiddles, as your pretending to be husband, in happiness or sadness, in sickness or health... in... uhm... I don’t know what else?

And Thomas was already crying, happy and emotive tears. He couldn’t imagine someone like Benedict, that he had such a nice fondness, would have such image of himself. He needed a friend like Benedict, as much as Benedict needed a friend like Thomas, so his answer was obvious, he was obviously accepting all that messy and clumsy, yet overwhelming request.

\- Yes! Yes of course I do! - He put it out happily. 

\- Oh, really? - Ben smiled a bit nervous. - But I- I haven’t finished-

\- Come here! - Thomas interrupted with an immense and happy hug. - You don’t have to finish. We’re connected, remember? I already know it.

Benedict's heart was exploding, he was even scared Thomas would notice. That hug was so nice, so comfortable, so warm. He realized he wanted to stay there. He realized he wanted to have more of that. He realized he wanted Thomas, but he would have to hide that for now and leave the realist thoughts for later. For now he just wanted to enjoy the moment.

The claps started during their embrace. Alana and Ioan had big smiles on their faces. They were happy too. 

\- Okay... - He finally said, embracing his friend back, and they stood like that for a few more moments.

\- Yaaaay! - Thomas cheered and laughed after they stepped appart. 

Alana and Ioan were next. They repeated some "I don't know what to say" and followed their own improvised script too. Thomas poked Ben's arm in a moment and whispered to his ear.

\- Do you think... Ioan is like... really liking her?

\- My God! Yes!! - Ben answered in the same voice tone.

\- Our minds are so in sync.

\- That just means we're right. He must be really loving her.

\- Do you think he had told her?

\- No... I don't know? What if they kiss? 

\- Naah... wait. Oh my. What if indeed! 

They got their attention back to the two standing at the altar with their expectations high. What if they were already having some romance and were hiding from them? 

But nothing happened, after all. The boys were a bit disappointed but they did not demonstrate it. 

\- Well. I still think there's something more inside there. - Ben commented lowly while clapping his hands.

\- Me too. - Thomas agreed.

And they put the subject away as if both of them weren’t the ones to hide feelings too, to hide bigger sentiments. 

\- Can we party now? I really need a drink. - Ioan said as if he was relieved the marrying moment was gone. 

\- Another one? - Alana crossed her arms, looking at him. 

\- Yeah. Sorry. - He laughed nervously and took her hand to go out. Benedict stood up along with Thomas and they followed their way out of the church. They couldn't risk doing more mess inside there, though it was thrillingly fun. - We can get some beers in the shop and hang around.

\- Sounds fun. - Ben said and they left through the door, Alana locking the entrance in the same way she opened it. 

\- The night is ours! - Tom cheered once more, jumping from the steps of the church and smiling. 

In the end, they decided to buy the drinks. Ioan had enough to get drunk, Tom drank just one unit while Ben and Alana stood off of it. They sat on one of the benches of the square and spent hours chatting and laughing. 

\- Guyz, I need to pee. - Ioan announced.

\- Well, that is your problem. - Alana answered. 

\- Why you being so hard on me?

\- Guys, guys, calm down. I'll help him out. - Tom said getting up and approaching his drunk friend. 

\- Hoy, I no need help to pee. 

\- Dude, of course not. But you need help to keep standing AND walking. - Tom rolled his eyes and heard Ben's giggle in the background. Ben was always giggling, he loved that.

\- Fine. 

\- Let's go. - Tom involved his arm around Ioan's shoulders and lead him to the shop they went before. 

Ben and the girl stood sitting and watching them. She made a comment or two about her pretend to be drunk husband and Ben laughed about it. She couldn't help too, it was indeed funny.

\- ... you really like him, don't you? - She asked after some moments of silence. 

\- Uhm, sorry. What? - Ben startled lightly, confused.

\- Thomas. You like him, for real. The things you said, you meant it, and you don't seem to be wanting to pretend. I think you want more. 

\- W- What?- He panicked. - No, no I don't. He's just my friend. I love him as a friend-

\- Oh come on, Ben. I'm a girl. I observe things. And I have seen the way you have been looking at him. 

" _Fuck._ " - Well...

\- I won't tell him.

He sighed deeply, giving up.

\- Okay... You're right. I'm starting to fall for him... but I know it's not possible, Alana. 

\- Why not?

\- He clearly loves someone else. He has this immense love for someone and I know I won't ever fit that position. And I also have someone that I have to deal with everyday... - He smiled sadly. - But it's okay, seriously. I want him to be happy and if I can keep being his friend and keep making him smile... I'm good with that. 

\- I'm sorry, Ben... But I don't think you should say "never"... He is lucky though, for having a friend like you. I doubt the person he likes cares for him as much as you do. 

\- You can't know that... but thank you. - He felt her hand on his shoulder, caressing it in a supportive way. Sometimes he felt like he was the baby of the squad. - What about you and Ioan? Is there something more? 

\- Well... I'm not sure. Ioan is complicated, he doesn't really let me see his sentiments. But honestly, Ben? I don't want him to fall for me. Unfortunately, I see him only as a friend. 

\- Hey, it's not your fault. I'm sure he can deal with that.

\- Let's hope so- there's your Tom coming... but... where's Ioan? - She got up worried.

\- GUYS! - Tom yelled while running closer. - He vanished! I went to look for some products while he was in the bathroom and when I looked back he wasn't there. 

\- What!? - The girl freaked. 

\- I- I'm sorry-

\- Thomas, believe me, you're not the one who will apologize tonight. - She started to walk firmly to the store, probably decided to kick Ioan's ass and give him a lesson through all nigh long.

\- He wouldn't have gone far. If he left, we would have seen... - Ben said while following the girl along with Thomas.

\- But Ben, I searched the whole place. He's not there!

\- Well but he can't just disappear can he?

\- Apparently yes!

Ben shook his head and they started their search. Each followed through a different section of products but they had found nothing, and they were getting really worried. 

\- Are you sure he's not inside the bathroom? - Alana insisted.

\- Yes, I checked. Twice!

\- Even the girl's bathroom? - Ben asked without many more options.

\- Why would he get in the girl's bathroom?

\- He's drunk! 

\- Dude! - Tom said not believing it, but in a second after considering it, he looked at Ben which looked at Alana, and the three of them froze in thoughts for a brief moment, until Alana was marching her way to the feminine toilet. 

\- Oooh fuck. Someone's getting to sleep on the couch today. - Ben watched the girl walk.

\- At least we aren't. - He shrugged, making his friend laugh. 

\- Timing, Thomas! 

\- You started it! - He tickled him, laughing and teasing. 

\- Don't!

\- Fine, fine. But you did.

\- I just stated a probability.

\- Yes but still-

\- Shhh here they come.

Alana was clearly furious, and literally dragging Ioan by his ear. He was indeed inside the girl's bathroom. He probably didn't even read the signs on the doors and just entered in the first one he saw. Luckily, there were no girls inside. 

\- Boys. Party's over.

Ben and Tom shut their mouth and followed her. She was the boss that moment and they wouldn't dare to explode her completely.

Since the driver was completely incapable of leading a car, Thomas took the lead and drove them home. It was a tense and awkward drive. The boys sat on the front while Alana was still furious on the back along with Ioan. He was clearly afraid of what he'd have to hear for the next days. 

He deserved it.

Tom left Ioan first. They helped him out all the way and left him sleeping. He'd survive. Next, Alana got down her home. They made sure she'd know she could count on them if she needed before leaving to Ben's house. 

When Thomas parked the car in front of the boy's house, they took 5 seconds to burst in uncontrollable laughs. 

\- I can't believe he got that drunk to mistake a damn bathroom! - Thomas laughed more.

\- He fucking did. 

\- Oh God... that was amazing. - The blonde one leaned against the car bank, looking through the front window. 

\- I know. It was probably the best night of my life so far. 

\- Mine too. 

\- Really? 

\- Yes, really. - He laughed lightly. - Thanks for everything, Benny. 

Ben smiled shyly with the nickname. 

\- Thank you too, Hiddles. 

Their eyes met then and they smiled for each other. They could spend all their night there just looking at each other. 

\- So... - Ben broke the silence, against his own will. - I should get going. 

\- Yeah, it's late. Benny must rest. 

\- Shut up. - He laughed and took off his sit belt. - Will you drive home safely? 

\- Of course. Tomorrow morning I'll give Ioan's car back and check out on him. 

\- Okay... call me if you need any help. 

\- Sure thing. 

\- ... Goodnight then, blondy. 

\- Goodnight, curly. - Tom leaned closer and placed a soft kiss on Ben's cheek. Ben went immediately pink. - Love you.

\- I- love you too... - He looked at him a bit hypnotized, and then forced himself to get out of the car. " _Oh my God._ " 

Reaching his house's front door, he waved one last time in goodbye to enter. Thomas started the car again and made his way home. 

Beautiful.

It was all beautiful... the smile on Ben's face looked like it'd never vanish. He took a shower, dressed his pajamas on and laid on his bed without a break of the smile on his face. What if it wasn't as impossible as he thought? What if Thomas... maybe... for at least a second, started to like him the way he did... 

" _Ben. No._ "

And his phone buzzed. 

Text message.

From Hiddles.

\- Oh dear. - He took his phone right quickly and opened the message.

"By the way... I also wish we talked more. Get to know each other more. And I also think you are an amazing person... I admire you so much, Ben. You are one of the most precious people of my life right now and I really appreciate everything we've been through so far.  
Now I'm gonna let you sleep.  
Goodnight, Benny.  
\- Hiddles." 

Impossible. 

The only impossible thing for Ben now was to stop smiling. 

And, connected as always, Thomas fell asleep with a big smile on his face too.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you have enjoyed chapter two. I’m sorry for any typos and grammar - I swear I revised 1039 times but, you know.  
> Hope I can give you more soon.  
> Cheers. <3


	3. Light a Fire

* * *

 

 

It was almost 10am. 

Thomas opened his eyes slowly, the light of the sun was shining against his blue irises. He heard birds singing outside and felt the warmth of the weather showing him it was surely past 9 already. He smiled when the memories came back to his mind, he smiled even more when he remembered the message he had sent before getting to sleep, and he was feeling a bit lighter about it. His body was tired, they had finished their little party really late, but his mind was a bit less heavier.

Just as Benedict did, he loved his friends very much. Those 3 people were making his life more funnier, and Benedict... He didn't know exactly. The message he sent, it was like he had been needing to say those words for a while, for someone _different_ , someone who he knew it’d answer it right back, and he had only realized that when putting them out. 

He was happy, and it had been a while since he last felt like that, because he was feeling... slightly free. It had been ages since he didn't feel that, it had been ages since... well, he doesn't even remember when was the last time he had felt freedom in his heart and soul. He was always chaining his heart to something so heavy that would keep bringing him down and down, drowning him like an anchor. It was like he couldn't ever escape. Not that he wanted to, exactly. He was a fighter, he did never give up easily on his feelings and life in general, although he is the type of person who doesn’t exactly see his own strength. But he is, in fact, the hard one, and the who gives the last piece of his broken heart to someone else if needed, even if that meant he would end up having nothing at all, which was always what happened in the end. 

Truth was, he was getting tired of that. 

Except this time... this time there was a tiny light showing in the top of the sea. Deep down, he was almost getting to the point where he would start to see that with more distinctness.

He kept wandering for some minutes, until he took his phone and unlocked it to find a message waiting for him. 

" _Good morning._ ", was Ben's message, received around 8am.

"Good morning, curly.

How could you wake up so early?", Tom answered. He got the response in 1 or 2 minutes after.

" _Biological clock, I guess._  
  
_And you rhymed_."

"If I was there I'd make you so tired you'd sleep aaall day.  
  
Eheh, I'm a poet."

" _OMG YOU SASS!!_  
  
_And you are. <3_"

And they were both laughing to their screens at that moment.

"Sorry not sorry." 

" _Have you already get to Ioan's?_ "

"No, not yet. I'm about to get up and do that but my bed is sooo comfortable right now."

" _Such a lazy ass._ "

"Oy!"

" _A beautiful one though._ "

"That's better. I'll get up now."

He smiled widely and made his way out of the bed. He should really take a look on his friend and get the car back to him. He'd probably be still sleeping with an immense hangover but still, he was his friend and part of his perfect squad.

After a quick shower, he dressed up and cooked some eggs for breakfast before leaving. 

Thomas felt his phone buzz in the meantime, and checked the message.

" _Can I go with you?_ " - He didn't know but Ben hesitated all the way long to ask that. 

"Of course! I can pick you up in a few mins.", he happily answered. Ben's company was simply the thing he was most wanting and desiring lately. 

" _Yaaay, thank you! I'll get ready._ " 

He answered with a happy smile face and typed Ioan's number to call him. Nothing. His phone was probably without any sign of battery and he was surely still sleeping. At least he hoped that.

Five minutes later, Thomas was starting the car and heading to Benedict's house. He knew Ben intended to help Ioan out, but maybe they could use a little time together after they were done with him. He wanted to make Ben's wishes come true about them getting to know each other more... and after their previous night, the intimacy between them had surely made progress and grew up, so it was time to make their friendship closer. 

He kept that in mind during his way and created a mental note to remember to invite Ben for something when they were free.

When he parked the car in front of the boy-in-his-thoughs house, two short horns were enough to announce he had arrived, and 1 minute was enough for Benedict to reach the car and sit aside from Thomas.

\- Hello. - Ben cheered with a shinning smile on his face, and Thomas' heart overwhelmed completely. That boy was simply too cute to handle.

\- Hello, cutie. How have you been?

\- Great, actually. You? 

\- Just the same. - They smiled at each other showing off all they joy. Their company was the best thing each of them needed to get in a good mood and forget about their problems. 

\- Have you contacted Ioan? 

\- I tried. His phone is dead. I'm guessing he's still probably in a deep hangover and sleeping, so he hasn't even minded to put his phone for a charge. 

\- Yeah... I sent him some messages but he hasn’t answered or received. I'm a bit worried but... I think I'm just overreacting a bit. 

\- Nah, you're not. You just worry over your friend. 

\- Maybe. - He giggled a bit pinky. - Well, shall we go then? We better find out than keep only guessing.

\- Definitely. - Tom answered while starting the car again. - Let's wake up that lazy drunk ass. 

Benedict answered with a laugh. The memories of Ioan's confusions and messes came up to his mind once more, and he had to comment it with Tom during they way. The previous night would probably pass and be gone but it would surely stay in their chats and conversations for a long while. It would be useful for memories, of course, but mostly to have fun or get the least of it. 

\- What about Alana? Should we talk or check her out? - Ben questioned after a while.

\- Well... I'm not sure? I mean, I love her and all but I don't know if we really have this intimacy of getting to her house and all... I just... I don't know, honestly.

\- Yeah... and, I guess, after what happened last night, maybe it'll be awkward since we created this whole marriage thing. We better give her a call later and that’s it.

\- Yes. - Tom couldn't avoid laughing briefly. - But come on, it wasn't our fault! 

\- No, I know, but... I don't know, everything's so messed up in my head right now. 

\- Like what? - The blonde asked curiously with a mix of worry.

\- Uh...- Ben thought nervously. - Like, do they really like each other? Ioan was acting so weird and crazy with all the drinks... maybe he was too nervous? I mean, I've never seen him like that.

Thomas thought with himself for a while. They had commented about Alana and Ioan's relationship in the previous night, and he had been thinking and observing it. They have the costume of always changing the subject to him and Ben when they are the center of the conversation, and the way they do it, it can show a lot of probable hidden feelings. 

\- It makes sense. When I lead Ioan to the store... did she tell you anything? About him?

- Well... - He stuttered a bit. He needed to be careful with his words, or else he would clumsily confess the whole conversation he had with the girl about his crush on Thomas. - I- I asked her if she was too mad at Ioan... and she told me she was a bit, but she still liked him. Then I took the chance to ask her if the feeling between them was deeper. 

\- And you haven't told me anything!!! - Tom overreacted.

\- I'm sorry!! - Ben answered with an innocent voice. - I couldn't think about that after what happened- and, it was late- I'd tell you everything today.

\- Don't worry, silly, I'm just kidding.

\- Ugh! - Ben laughed shyly and gave Tom a light push in the shoulder. 

\- Hey! I'm driving here. - He laughed back.

\- Have I ever told you I love the fact that you can drive? - Ben confessed.

\- What? Really? 

\- Yeah. It's pretty sexy. - Thomas gave a quick look on him to see he was blushing after saying that.

\- Oh my God. - He blushed back. And showed off a bit with a big smile. - Thank you.

\- No need to show off though. - Ben observed.

\- Excuse me! I love driving, okay? And getting a compliment like that just feeds my driving-ego.

\- Okay, okay. You deserve it.

\- Thank you again. - He giggled happily. - But come on, what did she tell you? 

The curly one cleared his throat and went on.

\- She told me she likes him as a friend and doesn't want him to fall for her. - His expression went to something between sadness and pity. - But I know Ioan for longer... I can tell he'd fallen for her already.

Silence. Thomas felt his heart inch a bit. Benedict felt the same. None of them knew about that connected discomfort in their hearts. None of them knew that both of them were picturing themselves in Ioan's place, and their hearts hurt for the same reasons, but different people. 

\- Tom?

\- Yeah? - The boy answered, realizing he had caused a deep silence. - Sorry, got lost here. I- I feel sorry for him.

\- ... you okay?

\- Me? Yeah, of course. " _Great liar."_

 _-_ Alright... 

He realized Ben was hesitating a bit, he realized there were things needing to be said and expressed, like why he had went so silent, but it was difficult, and he didn't know if he was capable of that yet. However, how could he say something about what was going on, if he had absolutely no idea of what was actually going on in his actual love life? He wasn't exactly ready for that conversation yet, probably not, so he thanked the heavens when he turned the car to Ioan's street and slowed down so he could park in their friend's garage. 

\- Here we are. - Tom said looking out the window. 

\- It looks like everything hasn’t moved since we left him here.

\- That’s exactly what I thought... come on.

They boys knocked the door a few times, but there were no results. They knew the door was open, they haven't locked Ioan in his own house, of course, so they chose to knock first, they had manners after all. But since it wasn't working, they entered a few moments later and looked around the house to search for any traces. 

Nothing. 

\- Ioan? - Ben called out.

Silence.

\- Well... I guess he's really still sleeping. Let's check his room.

\- I hope so... - He followed Thomas' steps to the room, the exact same way they've been in the previous night. 

Ioan was already in college, one of the best colleges in their region. He was a smart guy, member of an orchestra and knew more than one language. So, the reason why Benedict and Thomas were really starting to get worried was that he was not the type of the guy who fulfills his stomach with alcohol and disappears for more than 8 hours. He was a polite guy, but when it came to love... well, all the guys of the squad knew how hard it was to deal with it. They have never shared wide opened their stories, only Benedict and Ioan had shared some occasions that they have gone through, since they knew each other for longer, but nothing more than that. They didn't know it but they shared a long history of deep and complicated feelings.

Maybe that's why they have got along so well and became friends. Maybe, that was exactly why Ben and Tom were knocking in their friend's room dor to check him out. They knew, individually, how hard it was to deal with a broken heart, mainly when they're alone. 

\- Ioan!? - Benedict insisted. They have, in the end, found something different from the night: the door was locked, so it mean Ioan was at least inside there and had raised from his bed at some point. - Come on mate, it's us. We're a bit worried here.

\- Yeah. - Tom joined. - Get that lazy ass out of bed, dude, we promise we won't mock you for confusing the bathrooms. 

\- Tom! - Ben almost pinched him, shouting his name in a whisper as if he wanted Ioan not to hear it. - Not helping!

\- Alright, sorry! - He couldn't help a little giggle there. 

The curly boy sighed and rolled his eyes but, he would neverresist to Tom's little jokes and giggles. He was the one who was always giggling, after all, so he laughed lightly in response. Thomas smiled in victory.

\- Gotcha.

\- Shut up! - Benedict whispered once more, and then took a deep breath and directed his position to the door. - Look, Ioan... - He started with the sweetest voice he could manage. - I know you're in there. I know how you feel. Last night it was fun, we had shared some laughs but also... we also shared some truths, right? I know it's difficult... to pretend something is fake when is actually real, but you can't just lock yourself there forever, you know that. Let us get you at least a hug or something, at least to show you that things will be fine, please? If you don't want us to stay, it's okay, we'll leave, but we need to see you first, take care of you, you know? That's what a squad is meant to do.

There was one more silence. Thomas paralyzed a bit while he was looking and listening to Ben's words. He was getting more and more impressed with how Ben was good with words when the context needed it, and at the same time, he took those advices for himself. He haven't realized Ben was also talking about his feelings for him, for Benedict's sake, but he had taken the situation to his own reality. It was being hard for him to pretend his love as fake, when it was actually real. The most real thing he had ever felt. And he was feeling indeed alone because... there was so much others around him didn't know. There was a hidden true inside him he had never put it out, there was a hidden person in his life he had never talked about with his friends.

Benedict saw once more the look, the silence coming from him, the same he had seen in the car some moments earlier. He was about to ask again if he was okay, what was going through his mind, when Ioan's voice broke the silence announcing a sign of life.

\- Is Alana with you guys? - His voice was severe, as if he had just woken up.

The boys looked at each other with a mix of pity and confusion, answering a negative response together. After that, they heard Ioan's steps coming closer and the door being unlocked. The guy opened it to face them, and Ben and Tom had to hide their surprise when they stared at him. 

\- Yeah, I know, I look like shit. - Ioan said, turning on his back and getting back to sit on his bed.

Tom froze and didn't know much to do. He was still a little lost in his own feelings, and Ioan's dark circles were so deep it showed them he had probably cried for hours long during the night. Since Benedict knew him for longer and knew about his feelings with certainty, he left the main job for the boy. 

\- ... are you alright? - Ben made his way to sit aside him, while Tom stood a few steps in front of them. 

Ioan sighed, his gaze directed to the floor. 

\- Not really. 

\- Why?

\- You know...

\- I know. But I need you to say it out loud so you can get the weight out of your throat. We might not be able to help you and solve it, but we’re here to listen.

\- He’s right. - Thomas showed his support.

One more sigh and Ioan was opening his mouth and searching for his words. Thomas saw how he needed to say it, to express the feelings that were suffocating him. He saw all of that as if he was staring at a mirror. 

\- I was nervous the whole night... I had intentions of doing more, you know? I wanted to really express how I felt for her, but I couldn’t do it. I thought I’d succeed, I kept practicing my declaration speech... - He chuckled between the words. - But when the moment came I realized we weren’t in the same tune. When I saw both of you up there I got so confident, you two have really convinced me... but in our moment I lost it. Somehow I think she told me that with her eyes. She warned me that if I tried to kiss her I’d get hurt because she would have to refuse. I think she has someone else and is not telling us so I won’t feel bad. So... in the end, here I am, with a crazy hungover and crying for my lost non-mutual love. 

The boys listened with their hearts tight; Ben, for feeling for his friend’s pain and for being in the start of a love who he had no idea if it’d do any good. And Thomas, for comprehending exactly how it felt like to be in Ioan’s position, for loving someone that he didn’t have the love back.

This time, Tom tried not to get lost in silent thoughts again. 

\- Man... I am so sorry. - Thomas approached, sitting right next to him too. - “ _and I am so screwed like you, you have no idea._ ”

\- I'm sorry too. - He answered with a sad smile when he felt Ben's hand on his back. 

\- Look, dude... - The curly boy searched for words of comfort. - I can imagine how hard that is... I can imagine it's hurting inside you... but, you've gotta keep going, alright? I might sound silly for you now but it's true... you're strong guy.

\- It seems like the end of the world now, but it gets better. One day or another you will find something to fill your mind with distractions until you're over it. Trust me. - Tom said, not sure if he was giving an advice or wishing for himself out loud, or both. Probably both.

\- And we're with you, mate. For anything you need. 

Ioan looked at both of them, and Tom realized Ioan had seen the honesty and the worry both of them were bringing. 

\- Thank you, guys. - The guy took one more deep breath and led his hand through his hair. - You're right. And staying here crying won't be any use. 

\- Yeah but, you can take your time. It is okay to cry too. - Benedict replied.

\- Of course. I know that, but I need to do something, it'll be better. - He stood in his foot and turned to face them. - I will take another shower and get some works done to free my mind more.

And so he did. Thomas admired him in silence. Ioan was a mature, strong guy. Not that Thomas wasn't, but, he usually took longer to deal with his pain. A lot more longer. And he wished he had that determination. Although... Ioan's feelings were only recent. It didn't mean it was easy to get over with, but it certainly meant it was easier. Unlike Thomas feelings, Thomas  _old_ feelings.

Their mission was complete. The car had been returned - Tom made sure to leave the keys on Ioan's hands - and their friend was safe. 

Ioan expressed his gratitude for the boys, and insisted on making them stay but the moment didn't ask for that. They were done there and they knew Ioan would need space. 

Now Tom had a next mission: spend the rest of his day with Benedict.

Walking away from Ioan's house with his hands inside his pockets, the blonde hesitated on how to ask Ben such thing. " _Won't it be weird? As if I'm asking him on a date? Like... a serious date?" ._ They weren't used with non-pretending-to-be things, after all. It was mostly about role plays, and somehow, he was afraid approaching in "real life" would turn awkward. He didn't know if Benedict wanted that separation-

\- Tom? - The boy's melodic voice broke Thomas' hesitations. 

\- Yeah?

\- Do you have any plans today?

\- No, not really. - " _You've got to be kidding me._ " - Why do you ask?

\- I don't know, wanna hang out? I have nothing to do today and I don't really feel like going home. 

It was amazing how their minds and wills worked. 

\- I was actually... just thinking about asking you that. - He laughed lightly and almost in relief. 

\- Really?

\- Connections. 

\- Oh my God. - Ben smiled while looking ahead. Thomas loved how he looked with that smile. And he probably thought that every time he saw it. - Let's just do it then.

\- Same place as always? - Tom referred to the coffee shop their group met. 

- Definitely. The old but gold.

Noon had already passed when they made their way to the coffee shop. The day was still warm and clear which matched their conversations during the walk. They talked about things they loved, geek things, as movies, favorite actors, books, even music... and a bit about their lives. They also called Alana and she was alright too. Everything was going fine.

The little desire existing inside them was starting to grow with knowledge and intimacy, filling their needs as friends to get closer and closer as they promised they would in the previous night. 

Tom enjoyed how Ben helped to clear his mind, even though he didn't know that. For brief, short moments, Thomas would forget about Blake, who was the one person causing so much inside his heart and mind and all the weight upon him. His relationship with the curly boy was so pure, so innocent as most of relationships in the beginning that he wished they would stay like that forever. He wished that feeling would never go away... He wished Ben would never go away, as everyone does. 

That's something Thomas was already starting to be afraid of, as he always did.

" _Don't ruin everything, Thomas. Don't do it-_

 _-_ You okay there? - Ben's voice broke his thoughts once more. Tom looked ahead and saw Ben sitting in front of him - he had gone to take their requests with the waiter - and he swore he had just seen Ben get up.

\- Yeah, sorry, got a bit lost in thoughts.

\- I realized... - He stood Tom's drink and sandwich and placed his snacks in front of him. - Sure you're okay?

\- Sure. - Tom smiled little. He could've done better there, but he didn't do it intentionally. 

Benedict stared him a few more, trying to disguise his distrust. 

\- You know, Tom... Sometimes... - He hesitated and stuttered. - Just, you know you can count on me, right? For anything. 

\- Thank you... - His heart warmed while he looked and listened to the boy. But there was more... Ben had more words to put it out, so he waited, giving him space.

\- It’s just... sometimes I think there’s something going on there... - he pointed to Tom’s mind, and then to his chest. - and there... but you don’t really express it, or talk about it. Sorry if I’m being nosy... but... - he shrugged.

Well, if Ben was right or not in general, in that specific moment he was definitely right. The warmth of his heart had grown instantly after hearing the boy in front of him. In the meantime, that little burn he constantly had was also there. That chest pain that he felt like had been following him during his entire life. He was anxious and happy, but also scared.

That was new to him. Someone who actually _saw_ him.

Ben was right because Thomas’ heart and mind was full, extremely and deeply saturated. But he wasn't used with talking about it even though he craved for it. 

Maybe it was time. Maybe it was finally the time to be ready.

He looked down still in silence, searching for words that would be the key to unlock his heart, his hidden sentiments. 

\- I'm tired of not being enough. - It was finally out of his throat. It was relieving, but frightening. What if Benedict started to dislike him? No... what he would do when Benedict stepped away to save himself from what he always caused to people who approached? It was a cycle, something predestined. One day or another, it would happen, he would just have to wait for it. 

\- That's not true. - Ben's gaze was right upon him. He could feel it even without looking. - Why do you say that?

\- Because I am. - He shrugged. Facts and motives, he thought he had plenty, but explaining seemed harder than just knowing. He was used with only knowing, accepting. Not explaining. 

\- It doesn't make sense.

\- See? I don't make sense. I'm kinda crazy, you know? I-I will put myself in a clinic or some kind of... mind rehab one day, you know? I just don't have ways to do it yet.

\- Hiddles!... - " _That's how it starts. I'm making you confused now... next you scared, next you're gone._ " - No, no! Why- that's not true, dear. You're not crazy. - His voice was lightly weak, evident and drown in concern. 

\- You say that because you don't know me yet. And- and you probably won't like me anymore when you do.

\- What do you mean? - His tone showing more and more his confusion. 

\- ... I'm sorry. - Thomas' chest was burning. He wanted to vanish, which made him lead his hands upon his face. He was talking too much, he was already screwing things up, and he had barely started to put everything out. He didn't want to lose his friend now, not so soon. He had hopes that Benedict wouldn't be like the others, but the problem wasn't the others, it was him. He couldn't change it.

But in the end, he felt his pretend-to-be husband move and sit beside him. He felt his arm involving his shoulders, and it felt good.

\- You don't have to be sorry for what you feel. You're not crazy. You are enough. If that's what the person you love doesn't make you feel... then I'm sorry to say it but they are wrong.

\- What... - Tom lowered his hands to look at the boy. - How do you know?

\- Oh, come on. - He chuckled briefly. - The way you answer and look at your phone sometimes... it's pretty obvious.

\- Am I that obvious?

\- Yeah, a bit. - Ben shrugged and they both giggled. - But I also know it because I feel the same sometimes. 

\- You have someone too? - He couldn't help but ask.

\- Yeah... - The curly boy overflowed hesitation. - Kind of... it's complicated. But look-, whoever it is that's making you feel like that, he or she should learn how to appreciate you more. They need glasses, because they're not seeing the wonderful human being they've got. 

\- Stop it. - Thomas was blushing.

\- No. - And they both laughed while Ben took back his arm, making Tom immediately miss it in secret. 

\- ... it's a he... his name is Blake. - Another relief with a dose of chest pain, but he couldn't contain a tiny smile and more blush on his cheekbones. He could never contain it when the issue was Blake. 

\- Okay. And you really love him. - Benedict could clearly tell by the face his friend made by mentioning the person's name.

\- I-I do... - " _but he doesn't love me back_." 

\- Sorry, but, yeah, it's obvious when you mention him. He must be a lucky one. - Benedict wished in the depths of his soul, caved and buried, where no one would ever know, that he was that lucky one. 

\- What? - Still blushing, and now with confusion.

\- Well... I see by the way you talk to him, and now by the way you talk about him. And I also see some of your tweets, right? Since we have followed each other... and you're the type who, no matter how your mood is, you don't fail to demonstrate your love. 

\- Uhm... Thank you. - Tom really didn't know how to react to that. And he realized Ben didn't know yet, even with the tweets part, that Blake still didn't know that the love Thomas expressed was true love. Not only friend love. He wanted Blake to be his true boyfriend, husband, everything... but he wasn't, and no one knew about that wish yet. Ben probably though they were boyfriends already and... he wasn't feeling like explaining the contrary. It'd probably hurt even more to say it. So, step by step, he preferred to hide that part for now. - But... it's still not enough, Ben.

\- How not? - More confusion.

\- We were happy, in the beginning. We used to talk for hours straight, he trusted me, we bought presents for each other whenever we could... We were close. But then... he started working and I screwed it up.

\- Because he started working!? 

\- Yes, I mean, he started to spend more time away, obviously, and I started to show him my other side, my problematic side. I've missed him, after all. So things started to get colder. He's getting more and more away since then... I'm not ready to lose him but I know it's gonna happen, it's a matter of time.

\- Tom... I'm sorry... Have you tried to talk to him about that? About how you feel? - There was pity in his voice, Tom wasn't sure if he wanted that.

\- Yeah, I did. That's the problem, I shouldn't have. Things got worse because I told him I was missing him... I pressured him by saying that, Ben, I should have kept that and handled my feelings so it wouldn't affect him. I shouldn't feel those things... he always says everything's normal so, you see, it's all in my head. - Tears were almost in his eyes, he could feel the gut in his throat, but it wasn't as sore as the pain inside his chest. 

Benedict took a deep breath. Thomas was expecting it. He knew what would come next, he was used with it but... he wasn't at all in the mood to hear it in that moment. Not from his dear friend. Not from his Ben.

\- That's... - " _really just something inside my mind, I know-_ " - That's not true. - " _What!?_ " - At the first moment... you feel something, Hiddles, it means it has a base, a motive. And you love him! Of course you'd miss him! There's absolutely nothing wrong with expressing your sentiments, for the contrary, it just shows how good you are. You have such a good amount of good feelings and love to express, you are fond and courteous... By the way you say it, it's like he's putting you as the wrong one when you've done absolutely nothing wrong! 

It was impressive. No... it was extraordinary. It was... breathtaking.

\- W- what...? - Was all Tom managed to say.

Benedict put his arm around his shoulder again.

\- You've done nothing wrong. 

\- You... don't think I'm- I'm crazy or that I'm imagining things? 

\- What!? - His indignation appeared in a high voice. - No! My Hiddles... this is not something from your imagination. It's not in your mind!... It's in your heart.

The last sentence sounded so tender and so extremely honest... Thomas was almost getting convinced. For the first time ever he wasn't being convinced that he was crazy. For the first time ever someone was seeing a good side of him, which he thought it was the bad one. He wasn't receiving the weight of blame, and most of all, Benedict wasn't giving up on him. He was still there on his side, with his arm around Tom's shoulder. 

His heart was bumping a bit harder. 

His chest was getting relieved. 

\- Ben... I don't know what to say... thank you. - He looked directly to the other's green eyes. He gave him all his gratitude.

\- It's okay. You don't have to say anything... - Ben smiled, tapping Tom's head and caressing with fondness for brief seconds. 

Tom couldn't resist, he pulled Ben for a hug and was glad when he accepted it. It was one of the most comfortable and warming hugs he had in the last days in addition to the hug they shared after "marrying". He felt safe, comprehended and... loved.

- ... and thank you too, for counting on me. - Ben finished, making Tom smile widely.

For that moment, he lost the fear of losing his friend. 

That hug marked the official start of their deeper intimacy, their wish of getting approached being accomplished.

 

 

* * *

 


	4. A Spark

* * *

 

 

When you meet someone new, you never know exactly what to expect, you just gotta wait for the next days and see it, live it. 

The warmth on the chest, the anxiety of seeing each other and the comfort of their company was something Benedict and Thomas wouldn't expect to get so easily, so they were happy for that achievement. 

The only bad thing after their talk on the coffee shop was that Ben was starting to get addicted. He didn't know about Tom, but he had an extreme facility of getting attached to people, and after he did, if he didn't lose the feeling as happened with Carl, he would badly want to share more moments with the person, he would feel like talking with the person everyday... but the fear of being a bother would always make him uncertain about starting to go for it. And then, after he'd realize the intimacy had been gone for inactivity, he'd regret. 

He stared at his phone once more, Thomas' contact was opened and already clicked on the chat app. He knew it was okay to at least text him, he knew they had enough intimacy to randomly talk during whatever time in the day but... what if he would indeed turn into a bother by insisting? He had already asked for their friendship to grow in the marriage day-

" _Just do it, Benedict. Stop overreacting._ ", was his sudden thought.

And he did.

"Hey Hiddles.", was his message. 

The conclusion of his being-a-bother thoughts was that, if he turned to be one in the end, he'd notice and step away. He lived in a constant bother with Carl, so he'd surely notice.

" _Hey Benny. <3_"

The heart emoji. Quick answer. That helped a lot with the weight on Benedict's heart and he even felt silly for thinking those things. It was Thomas after all, his pretend-to-be husband. 

"How's things?"

" _Well... everything's alright, I guess. You?_ " 

"Something happened? I'm okay, though I miss you." Ben couldn't resist, he was indeed missing him. After their Ioan setting up and their hanging out, weekdays came and school and college got them busy. At the same time, Alana's and Ioan's issue made things between the squad get awkward. 

" _You made me smile. I miss you too.  
And yeah, you know, just the usual, with Blake."_

"I'm a happy Ben for making you smile.   
He's away, right? I saw you tweeting the other day - I hope you don't think I'm a stalker freak." 

" _You're cute.  
Yeah, he is, he's gone travelling and no internet. And it's okay, I stalk you sometimes, heh._ "

Benedict was definitely smiling.

" ❤ ❤ thanks. I'm pinky.  
Oh...  you must miss him, I'm sorry.  
WHAT? Why would anyone stalk such a silly guy?"

" _You're beautiful._  
_I do. I feel alone when he's not around._  
_Because you're my little husband and you're amazing._ "

"I'm sorry :( I know I'm not great of big thing but I'm here for you whenever you need. And don't worry, he'll be back soon.  
sflkjsfkhj I love you."

" _I know, I know. Thank you Ben. I love you too._ "

Ben's heart was a bit tight, but their conversation kept going through the rest of the day.

He wished Tom wouldn't feel so alone without Blake. He wished his presence could make a difference for his friend, because he cared for him and wanted him to feel good. But he understood the way he felt, and he would do what he could to help. 

Unfortunately he couldn't leave home to meet him. He had to do the cleaning everyday and he had thousands of works and scripts do get done with. So their conversations kept going online for the next days. It didn't stop them from having their fun. 

They shared laughs and stories, and even started role-playing more seriously with characters they both liked. Ben had always loved role-playing, he used to do it with his ex online boyfriend and Carl, but they would never play for long with him, they'd get tired and pretend it was nothing to worry about, they weren't like Tom, who played amazingly and who would make Ben feel comfortable with asking for more. Ben was a serious player - he studied theater after all. He loved to create scenes and stories in his mind, but he wasn't really the type of writing... He had done some fan fictions before, but it was only two or three, all unfinished. Role-plays were different. He could exchange from scenes and dialogues more quickly, and Tom helped him a lot with that. Not to count how much RP helped them to distract from their problems. It was their escape. Ben still had to deal with Carl every time, Tom was still missing Blake, but things were less heavier with their union. 

During the week, they have got more knowledge about each other. They were comfortable to share, and comfortable to receive. 

Thomas told Benedict about his problems with his father and his family in general, and his difficulty with school - Thomas was 2 years younger than Benedict. Benedict told him about the problems of his family too, how he was treated for doing theater sometimes, how he was practically used as a cleaning servant since he was "just studying arts and doing nothing at all", according to his family. 

Benedict found out Thomas was like a writer. He liked to write about his feelings and sometimes random things.

Thomas discovered Benedict played the guitar, one more of his passions.

And like that, their week passed through, chatting about everything they wanted, complaining about what bothered them and most of all, feeling comfortable for having each other.

For both of them, it was nice to share about their lives. They had now company to talk about problems and ask for advice. They were their own safe places for now. 

At Saturday, a week since Benedict sent Thomas the message, they had finally managed to see each other. Though the coffee shop was their marked place, they had decided to try somewhere else this time, so they sat on one of the central park's of the city, admiring the view and just enjoying their company and conversations. 

\- Carl mentioned one of my tweets yesterday. I was talking about Blake, without really mentioning him - and he used it for you. It was cute. - Thomas stated after some quick silence between their dialogue. 

Benedict felt his chest shake. Last time he met someone, Carl approached the guy and attacked Ben with words, saying that he was trying to "substitute" Carl. 

Benedict denied, of course. He had denied and spoken with Carl until they had it solved. But it was all lies. Although it was almost instinctively, Benedict tried to make new friends to gain motives to get away from Carl, so he could spend time with different people who wouldn't charge him feelings he couldn't give. He thought that by doing that, things would naturally take their way and Carl would realize Benedict needed space, and realize that their relationship could be good if he accepted their friendship. But what would happen was always the exact contrary. 

It was always good at the beginning. Ben would make friends, his mood would raise and the chats with Carl would even get better too, but when the curly boy would start to feel a bigger friendship for others, when he would start to show more his feelings for the others than to Carl... the guy would step inside and build intrigues with those friends until Benedict got ashamed and scared of what people would think of him. Next step was easy to do, but hard to deal with: leave and give up from those friends. 

And since Carl had mentioned one of Thomas’ tweets, that meant he had followed him. That meant Carl had practically spied on Benedict’s profile and took his friend’s profile to look up and get _approached_. 

That was what Tom's statement made him think, and get afraid of. He didn't want to lose Thomas because of Carl. He was getting exhausted. He needed to stop it or else until when he would have to give up on his own social life to please Carl? Until when he would have to solve everything while Carl only created fights? 

\- Tom... - He took courage to express himself. - there's something I should say... it might sound weird but...

\- What is it? - Thomas asked attentively. 

\- It's Carl... you know, he can be really jealous sometimes, even with my friends. I want to apologize in advance for anything he might come to tell you.

 - Oh... do you think- do you think I'm obstructing your relationship, somehow?

\- What? No. No. Please don't think that. It's just... he's possessive, and tends to think I'm not... gonna like him anymore if I'm showing affection for someone else.

\- Whoa... that's bad, Ben. I'm sorry.

\- Yeah it's fine, I'm used with it... Do I obstruct your relationship with Blake...?

\- No... - Tom hesitated, and Ben realized that. - Okay, well, you don't. It's just once Blake got jealous too. We were talking about the marriage day on twitter, me and you, planning it, and he saw me calling you "husband"... we had a small discussion until he understood it was all pretending and that we are just friends.

The bother feeling. Benedict was feeling it hit again. He was the motive of a discussion. He didn't want that. 

\- Damn... I'm so sorry. I would never want that to happen- I'm truly sorry. - He sighed lightly and looked down, losing his mood. 

But Thomas raised the boy’s head again, placing his finger under his chin so he would look at his friend. Ben's mood was immediately back with that touch. Oh how he wished Tom's finger would lead their faces together...

\- Hey, don't say that. You're my friend and I love you. He needs to understand that as much as Carl needs to understand that you need friends too. Having friends doesn't mean ruining other relationships. 

Benedict smiled. He loved how much comprehension he would receive with the blonde boy. 

\- You're right. And... if you want to and if the context asks for it... tell Blake I'd do anything to make your relationship with him keep going well.

\- Thank you! You can tell Carl the same thing, okay?

\- Okay... " _but I don't want any relationship with Carl."_  Thank you blondy. 

\- It's alright curly. - They shared more smiles. 

Benedict realized after that, Thomas really thought Carl was his boyfriend. He hated that, but he avoided to tell the truth now... he just wasn't feeling like explaining everything. He was also a bit afraid Thomas would think bad of him for not giving back Carl's feelings - which happened a lot when Carl would tell his friends and put Benedict as the cold monster who didn't have love - and that somehow by telling it Carl would find out and fight more and more with him again, so he kept quiet. He would wait for the right moment to come. By now, things needed to be left like they were. Thomas was close all week, Carl was quiet the whole day, and Ben was finally enjoying a new friend without an obstacle. 

It was all going fine that week.

Until Carl came back from his trip. 

They were talking about something random when a notification sound coming from Thomas' phone interrupted them. And it did interrupted because it was a message from Carl, meaning he had probably came back from his trip. 

Benedict could tell it was him for the smile Thomas had on his face when typing a response. 

\- Oh Gosh. Blake is back! - The blonde boy cheered for his friend. 

\- Oh! He is!? 

\- Yeah! He just got home and texted me. - All the blonde's expressions showed excitement. 

\- You got to go and see him! - Benedict smiled, hiding the small disappointment he was feeling. 

\- Yeah- I'll do it later when we go home. 

Benedict could see the boy was fighting against the will of going and the will of staying. He probably didn't want to leave Ben and run for Blake like that but his excitement could hardly contain him. Benedict understood that. 

\- No, man. You'll go now! It's been a week. You're dying to see him. 

\- But Ben-

\- No no no. No buts, the only butts here we'll leave for our role-plays. - They both laughed and Ben started to push Tom's back so he would get up from the bank. - Just go, dear, and tell me later how things went out maybe. Deal?

\- ... Are you sure? - The blonde was laughing lightly with Ben's insistence and fighting back to stay sit, but not so much. 

\- Yes I am! Now goooooo! 

\- Okaaaaay! Thank you, Ben. - He smiled more and Benedict's heart melted. That smile that only Blake would give him. That light on his face that should never fade. Thomas naturally looked like an angel but, when he smiled... it was pure grace. He wished someday he would be the reason of that smile. - We'll see each other some other time, please?

\- Yes of course! Not leaving you that easily, husband. 

\- Me neither, husband. - Thomas kissed Ben's cheek gently, making him blush lightly. - Bye Benny. 

\- Bye blondy. - He giggled happily while the other boy got up and started to walk away. - Have fun! 

\- I will! - Thomas said louder so he could be listened considering the distance between them. 

Benedict smiled while watching him go, and the more he went away, the more his smile would disappear too. He sighed and took his phone out of his pocket. Nothing was waiting for him. He shouldn't feel alone nor bad. Thomas wouldn't feel alone now, he should be happy for his friend. But he couldn't. The empty space of the bank beside him made him feel a bit empty too. He missed the guy already. He liked the boy... he maybe... loved him.

But he also couldn't. He couldn't do it. He had Carl. Thomas had Blake. Things were just like that and he had to accept it. So he took a deep breath and dealt with it. He would make the effort and feel happy for Tom. He deserved it. 

Without many more options, Benedict made his way home. His body was immediately consumed by laziness when he looked at the clock and saw it was past 4pm. Past 4pm meant that night was close, and night would bring Sunday and then Monday all over again. Once more, he wished his pillow would take him to another dimension so he wouldn't have to deal anymore with his routine and his feelings. He just wished weekends could last a little more longer at least. Like forever, maybe. 

About three hours later, his phone started to ring. For Benedict's stress and surprise, the ring was sounding extremely loud in his head, and he realized that was because he fell asleep since he had arrived in his bed. He sighed.

 _"Dammit pillow. Why don't you hear my wishes once in your life?_   _"_

He took his phone and saw Carl's name shinning in his screen. He sighed deeply. 

\- Hi. - he said after accepting the call, with a non-receptive voice.

-  _Wow. Am I interrupting something?  -_ Carl asked ironically, Benedict got that and understood the message. He was already accusing Benedict of spending time with Thomas.

\- No, Carl. I was sleeping. - Straight and rigid.

-  _I see... that's why you haven't been answering me, then._

 _-_ Yes.

-  _Not because you were spending time with your new beloved?_

 _"Oh my God I hate you so much",_ Benedict wanted to scream, but he didn't have the courage. He took an immense deep breath and focused in staying calm. 

\- I saw my friend today, yes, and that's not a crime. He's with his boyfriend now so you've got nothing to worry about. 

-  _Great..._

 _-_ Yeah. - Benedict was getting expert in short answers. In each of them he wished Carl would give up on talking but that was hardly what happened.

-  _Well, I miss you._

 _\- ..._ me too. " _NO I FUCKING DON'T!_ "

_\- Are you home? Can I come over?_

_\- ..._ yeah. Just give me half an hour? I need a shower. _"Hell no. I need a whole life period so I can start wanting you to come."_

_\- Okay._

The line was then dead and Benedict almost wished he was too. It would be better than having to deal with Carl. He just wasn't feeling like it, he wanted to be alone and wait for his always hateful Monday to come, but his wishes weren't coming true since his pillow, so he got up and headed to the bathroom, trying to calm his mind. 

The worst thing about Carl was that Benedict had this immense difficulty of being honest with him. Benedict was never really honest with him and sometimes he started to hate himself for that. He was basically a liar.

But that was because Carl demanded that from him. 

There was one time, one time where Benedict directly told him they would never get together as in a boyfriend relationship and that his love for him was only as a friend. In that time... Carl took an exaggerated amount of pills before heading to bed and spent the entire next day at the hospital.

So after that, Benedict stopped demonstrating what he truly felt. He was stuck in that he-didn't-even-know-how-to-name-ship, and all he could do was accept it. He just didn't know how much longer he or Carl would endure. 

So he tried not to get nervous, though it was getting harder and harder as time went by. His stomach would get sensitive and his chest would have intense chills, making his heart bump. He closed his eyes trying to get himself calm. The first thing that came into his mind was Thomas saying that both Carl and Blake should understand that the boys needed friends and that was okay. It helped him.

When the boy arrived, a hug was enough the make the compliments, for Benedict's relief. Carl didn't insist for more. Until he did.

Both sat side by side on the backyard's grass. It wasn't big or elaborated, but it was enough to have their privacy.

\- So... - Carl started. - when will you be ready?

Benedict failed completely on trying to stay calm. He already wanted, by then, to explode in anger. 

\- I told you, Carl! I need time!

\- I know that. I'm asking when.

\- I don't know, okay!? Just be patient.

\- I am, but it's difficult. I love you too much. 

That was always his excuse. Love. 

Anything Benedict denied, Carl would use the argument of loving him, as if that would give him more credits. As if that would make Benedict's feelings turn less important. 

It has been a while since Carl started to "love" Benedict and telling it to him, but it hasn't been long since Carl asked Benedict for a kiss. The worst thing he could have ever asked. Benedict had never kissed anyone before, Carl knew it, and as a natural and classic romantic, Benedict definitely didn't want his first to be with the boy. He probably asked such thing imagining that by kissing Benedict, he would conquer his heart and get what we wanted. 

But Benedict knew he wouldn't. His feelings for him were long gone and buried. 

"No" was the hardest thing for the curly boy to say lately, mainly for the guy since the pills event, so he couldn't say it. He was afraid and traumatized of doing so, which is why he didn't when Carl asked for the kiss. In his case, Benedict would always use "maybe, I'll think about it", and it usually worked. For Carl, that would mean he was interested. For Ben, that would mean he was not interested at all, but wanted to gain time until the issue was forgotten. 

Yet the kiss issue... that one would be harder to escape. Mainly with the insistence happening every time they met. The only way Ben found to have some time was to tell him he wasn't really ready, for that would be his very first kiss. 

\- That's actually a reason why you should be patient. - Ben retorted.

\- Do you really love me back? It should be a reason for you to stop postponing it. - That was another thing he never got tired of doing. Asking Benedict's reciprocity reassurance. 

\- Ugh, Carl. - Anxiety was growing again inside him. He thought about Thomas; his almost love for Thomas. He tried to calm down once more. 

\- What? Say it.

\- You know I do! - Nearly an explosion. - It's just... I have different ways of loving you, alright? We've talked about this before, please don't create another discussion.

\- Oh so I'm the one who creates discussions??

\- Well... yes?!... You're always- insisting. I'm not that good, okay? I'm slow and stupid. So stop creating so many expectations!

\- You know what? I'll stop bothering you. - Abruptly, Carl stood up and started to walk away.

Ben's mind got relieved with that, but his heart wouldn't handle the bad conscience. Sometimes he hated how good he was for the boy whilst he was being terrible with himself. 

\- Carl! - He ran after him. - Stop! Listen, let's just talk, please.

\- No. - He kept going.

\- Carl! God dammit. Could you please be comprehensive once in your life!? I don't want you to go! " _Yes I do._ "

\- You'll be better without me, Benedict. I get it. 

\- That's not true! Don't you remember when I told you that even if we're carrying weights, our weights are better together than alone?

Carl stopped, without turning back to look at him just yet.

\- Yes.

\- Then stop, please. And forgive me. - Asking for forgiveness when he had done nothing wrong. That was another habit he had to create for Carl. It was like Carl enjoyed seeing Benedict get humiliated.

\- Okay.

\- Thanks... Why don't we come inside and watch something?

\- Seems nice. - He shrugged and sighed, giving in. 

Benedict took him inside then. They sat on the sofa and re-watched some episodes of their favorite show. TV would get Carl entertained and make him forget the rest, so it commonly worked using it to end their fights. 

It took 2 hours until Carl got tired and said goodbye, going home. 

Benedict's heart and mind would then get relieved. It was always like something had smashed him and he couldn't quite recover completely, because he knew there would be another smash. Another fight. Another broken heart. Another night spent awake full of worries.

And he wasn't wrong.

When Carl got home, he texted Ben. Four or five messages were enough for them to start another fight. 

It was awful. Carl was threatening to end his life once more, saying he was never enough for Benedict, saying that he would never be good.

Benedict was desperate. He didn't have more strength to take that, it had been days and days that those fights and threats would keep going. He would lose hours of sleep, he would wake up in the other day exhausted, he would have terrible progresses in his classes. 

The good thing about classes lately was that Carl started working and his schedules wouldn't match anymore. Benedict had another escape. But since he got the job, he was getting more tired of himself. And their fights would become worst. Thing was, Carl wasn't okay, he wasn't okay at all. His mind wasn't. So Benedict didn't want to leave the boy alone, he wouldn't handle live with himself knowing that he left the boy and later find out the boy has succeeded on ending his life. He just couldn't stand it. He tried uncountable times to lead Carl for professional help, but he would keep refusing. Ben was weak. His strength has all been drained with all the discussions they were constantly having. Carl would talk so much about ending his own life that Benedict though that maybe... maybe if he did it... 

In a surge or anger and frustration, he dared to say it between their messages, between Carl's caps lock texts full of judgments and frustrations. Benedict, for a matter of seconds, typed messages saying that he was the problem, he was the monster, so he would end up with all of that once and for all. 

He threw his phone in his bed. He threw his head against the pillow. The messages he sent hammering in his mind while he tried to think about getting up and doing it.

But after those matter of seconds, he realized he couldn't. He didn't have the courage to do it.

Once more, he was lying to try to get away of it.

And he was still stuck.

Tears came out sliding his cheeks while his throat burned in pain. He was extremely lost, and his phone was desperately buzzing in notifications. Carl probably thought Benedict was trying something, and Benedict, deep down, wished he would, but he was indeed lying, lying to himself.

He didn't want to. He just wanted to be left in peace. He wanted to have his friendship with Thomas and the others in peace, without someone chasing him in every step. So he cried for that, cried for craving his freedom.

It took him long minutes, but after he stopped crying, he took a deep breath and took his phone again.

He apologized.

At least that served to something; Carl gave up on fighting and trying to die. 

The conversation lasted for more long minutes, but when Benedict finally managed to turn off his phone, his sleepiness was gone. His head was aching. It took long for him to calm down, but after making the effort of focusing in good things, he fell asleep, waking up a few hours later. 

His head was still hurting. His heart was still weak. He didn't want to have to raise up from bed that day. 

Fortunately it was Sunday, so he had an excuse to stay until late in bed. 

He took his phone and his notifications were glad and sadly empty. Glad because it meant Carl was still sleeping. Sad because he needed someone, he desperately needed someone to talk. Then he went straight to twitter and checked things out, clicking on Thomas' profile after some moments.

There was a happy tweet where he was cheering for Blake's comeback. Benedict smiled a bit. He was happy for his friend. 

But he wouldn't bother him. He closed his app and locked his phone, heading back to his pillow. He slept until his head was the least less heavier. 

Like that he continued his following days. Hidden, walking in the shadows. He didn't want to bother anyone with his problems, he didn't want people to have the burden that he could be. He didn't want to be  _insistent_. What he really wanted was to just... disappear. Not like running away or dying, but simply staying out of anyone's sight. It would be better, it wouldn't cause motives for more fights - though it didn't really stop them from happening -, and he would let people live their lives alone, because that was what he wanted; to be alone. 

The only confusion his heart was making was that he didn't want to be completely alone. He wanted to be alone away from Carl. But since he couldn't do it... he's done what Carl wanted him to do: stop having contact with people he liked. 

What the boy made him feel was so heavy that Benedict would believe more in things like he was the burden than in real feelings like Thomas saying he would nevee be one and he was one of the best people of his life lately.

His mind tricked him all the time when Carl took control of it.

For the next days of the week, he took his routine alone, alone with Carl, now and then. Gladly he would have a busy week at work and his free time wouldn't match with Benedict's schedule. So they didn't really talked during the whole week. Well, at least Benedict didn't make the effort to. He could easily send some messages to the boy during his classes, but he'd say otherwise and turn off his internet. It'd be better like this. It had been, until Benedict wasn't standing the loneliness anymore and sent him some things to start a conversation.

But again, his timing was terrible. 

Again, their conversation was only useful to fill more and more the huge list of uncountable discussions. 

Benedict finished the classes with a knot on his throat. He went to the subway and waited for his train, wishing it would change his destination to somewhere so far away that no one would ever find him, wishing he could advance time to when all of that pressure, all of that heaviness would go away, wishing he could do anything to break free from that prison he was living in.

He sat on an isolated seat, his arm upon the window with his face almost hiding on it. He looked through the window to see the dark of the subway tunnels, but sometimes he couldn't help but see his reflection showing the tears on his face. Tears of sadness, tiredness and loneliness. He hated them. Hated to cry. But he couldn't hold it, it was stronger than him. 

What he also hated was the buzz his phone made, announcing a new text message. It was probably Carl, and the last thing he needed was to deal with the boy at the moment. The last thing he needed was more hate, stress and humiliation. 

But he looked anyway. Although he was seeing himself in the dark, there was always a sign of hope deep down, buried in his chest. 

When he looked to his screen, that sign unlocked itself.

He knew exactly what were the last things he needed at that time. But that message wasn't one of these things.

That message made him still cry, but now with a shy smile on his lips. That message made him see that, after all, he wasn't so much of a burden and that he was being missed when he was trying to vanish. He was being somehow... loved. In a healthy way. There was someone out there caring for him, thinking of him. 

He wasn’t alone.

The weight of his heart was gone, and he could say he nearly felt the breeze of freedom hitting his chest.

"Hiddles, 9.36pm:

 _Where are you my Benny?_ "

He unlocked his phone, answering the message.

"I'm right here, darling."

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that’s a big reference over there. ♥️  
> I’m sorry again for any confusions I might have done in the storyline; for those other few people reading this, I fully appreciate the interest. The probable empty spaces I might commit here it’s because this story has really happened with me and my beloved (of course I tend to dramatize a few points), so we know everything and it we don’t miss a thing... but again, I appreciate your staying. Hope it’s beein enjoyable.  
> Til next chapter!


	5. In my Heart

* * *

 

 

It was around 4 pm when Thomas arrived at the coffee shop. Tired of the old one, they decided it was time to find somewhere new. It was mostly Benedict's idea because his mind was tired of the same things. He was tired of the same thing always happening with him over and over again. 

It was a nice place, perhaps better than the other. Cozy, nice paintings around the walls, good music. 

A cup of hot chocolate was in front of the curly boy while he looked through the window, thoughtful and distant. Thomas stared at him for some brief moments before getting closer and announcing his arrival. His friend didn't seem well at all. His eyes were heavier and his countenance was darker than usual. Benedict was the guy who was always there with a smile to help people out and give advice... but did he have anyone to be the Benedict he was for him?

\- Hey there curly. - Tom cheered with a mix of pity and joy in his smile, Ben's attention got immediately directed to him.

\- Hey, blondy. - He smiled back, with tiredness in his eyes and happiness in his lips.

Thomas didn't really know where to sit, but when he chose to sit right beside Benedict, he realized his friend approval and got happy for his choice. Ben needed someone close in all senses. 

\- That smells nice. - He pointed to the cup on the table.

\- Oh, yeah. It's perfect, actually. It warms everything inside. - He laughed briefly while taking the cup in his hand and pushing it to Tom's side. - Prove it. 

\- Oh, you sure? Well, thank you. - It was true. The sweet flavor of the chocolate made everything satisfying, and the warmth of it slid through his throat and chest as a comfortable shower during a cold day. - Wow... wow! I'm definitely ordering one for me. 

\- You should. This place has already pleased me with this. I have my approval already. 

\- If it's approved by you, Ben, it's definitely approved by me. Let's make this our new golden place, just ours... After all, it's just the two of us against the world.

\- I like that. - His cheeks got lightly pink, the hot drink was helping with it but most of it was for Tom's cause. 

\- Deal. - Tom smiled more and called for the waiter, ordering the drink for him. Benedict came back looking to the window in the meantime, and when the waiter was gone, Tom considered and organized his thoughts to start talking and helping his friend out. - So... I've missed you. 

Ben's green eyes came back to look at him once more. They seemed a little bit less heavy, the smile almost getting in sync with them.

\- I've missed you too. Thank you again for the message last night. 

\- You don't need to thank me. You should know I'm here for you, Ben. 

\- Yes, yes... I'm sorry... I just- I have this... bothering fear thing. It keeps me stopping every time. 

\- You'll never be a bother to me, okay? - Thomas held one of Ben's shoulder, looking straight inside his eyes. - Trust me. 

\- Alright... - It was difficult not to get a bit lost in Tom's blue eyes, but he held it together, though blushing was not possible to hold. - I appreciate that. Really.

\- It's okay. - His smile was sincere. - Now... what is it? What's going on? 

 - Well... - He took a deep breath and stared at the table. It was hard to choose what to tell first when there was so much going on inside his thoughts, inside his chest. His voice sounded lower than usual, not knowing exactly if he should be doing that. Wouldn't be better if he just pretended it was all fine? Putting Thomas around it could be so much worst. But everything already seemed so worst that he knew if he kept quiet, it would keep cracking and hurting him. - There's-... do you think... do you think, Tom, that I'm wrong if I say something... and the person don't understand it at all and charges me for things I didn't say? For things I don't have? 

Thomas was slightly confused with the context, but he would do anything to understand and give the boy the comprehension he deserved.

\- No... no, of course not, Ben. If the person missed interpretation classes, they're the wrong ones. - The statement made Ben laugh briefly, and Tom was proud of it.

\- Yes... that's true. 

\- Right?

\- Thing is, Tom... this person I'm talking is... is Carl. I know I haven't clarified it for you but... he's not my boyfriend. I love him as a very dear friend but he loves me more and... I don't have that love to give back to him. 

Now Thomas was definitely confused.

\- Wait... what? 

\- Yeah. - He giggled as if embarrassed. He hoped in the depths of his self that Thomas wouldn't judge him like Carl would make everyone judge him for not loving the boy in question back. - It's kind of a long story but, to sum up, I had a crush on him when we first met. Back in that time, he had lots of girlfriends after another so I got over him. We kept in as friends. A while ago, though, he started loving me. And all the love I expressed in the past, he's charging me to feel back and become entirely his. But I don't have it. I-I wish I had but-but I just can't, you know!? - His guts were on fire, but Benedict made his effort to hold his emotions back. 

\- Ben... dear... I'm so sorry- I didn't know.

\- No, please. you don't have to. I was just afraid to tell and get things screwed up... he's... he's too jealous and chases me all around.

\- Yeah! He does! Oh my God... how didn't I realize? - He asked more to himself than to Benedict.

\- What..? 

\- Well, he... he came to talk with me some days ago. Some days after that song tweet I told you? He called me on private and well, we chatted a while. He told me you were his love and his everything, he told me he would go crazy with your ways, he told me lots of things like that. Always using "my" and telling possessive things. Now that you're telling me this, it made me remind of what you told me. That he would approach as if you weren't giving attention to him... and during the conversation, deep down I felt like he was trying to tell me like "back off, he's mine". But that feeling was gone when I started to talk about Blake... and now I understand why. 

\- Because that time he got sure you wouldn't try to "steal" me from him. - Benedict face-palmed himself and snorted. - Ugh. I'm truly sorry, Thomas. 

\- Hey, no no no. - He directed one of his hands to Ben's arm. - This is none of your fault. He can't blame you for not feeling something! It's not your fault. 

\- Yeah but I should give him something. He's having depression shit because of me! I don't even know if he's alive right now, Tom, because last night we had another fight, and the previous one, and the previous before it! He keeps saying he's not worth and his life is useless! I keep doing this with him, you see? All the love he gives me, everything he tells me about how he feels, I'm not even capable of giving it back. 

\- Ben, Ben. Listen to me. - Tom straightened himself on the chair to have Ben in front of him, still holding one of his arms. - Stop blaming you for that. He's making that, you see? He's making you blame yourself so you can feel pity and do as he wants. But what will be the point of you giving something forcefully for him? It's pressure, Ben. His life is not your total responsibility. It's a weight too heavy for you to carry, so stop, you're not the wrong one inside this story.

Benedict lowered his hand to look again at him. The look of someone who could barely believe what he was hearing.  

\- You're not doing anything wrong with him. - Tom went on. - For the contrary! He's not letting you live your own life, so please, stop worrying as if everything is your fault, this will only make things worse for you, he says you're his love and everything but he probably doesn't even get to know you right to make you so miserable like that, because seriously, Ben, you're so, so precious. He doesn't have the right to affirm bad things about you just because you don't feel the same. He's not you to tell what is right or wrong for you to feel! He's not even paying attention for your feelings to control your life like that. So please, don't let these things ruin you. You're worth and you need to know your feelings matter. 

Benedict's head was still heavy, but his heart got lighter and relieved. By the times he had tried to get someone's advice, it wouldn't work for long. Truth was, he didn't know what he really wanted to say, what he really wanted to be told, until now. 

Maybe before he wished someone would appear with a cape and a touching speech to rescue him and make Carl see what he was doing with Benedict's life. Of course, he knew that wouldn't happen even in his dreams. His life wasn't a drama movie - though it looked like one, but if happening wasn't the destiny, imagining it would be his refuge. And if he thought about it, was Thomas really different from all those dreams and wishes?

Just like Tom received comprehension for the first time, from Ben, Ben was receiving it for the first time equally.

So it was twice, three times, four times, lots of times harder now for Benedict to hold his feelings. It had been 2 whole years that Carl started to press him, and for 2 whole years, no one has ever stood on Benedict's side. All Benedict's friends that were also Carl's friends had turned against him because Carl told them everything, told them Benedict was cold with him even though he loved him, told them Benedict was the monster of the relationship. The entire time, Benedict never had a single small part of comprehension. 

Thomas was waiting for some response, but Benedict had lost his words and had no idea what to give him.

\- You okay? I'm sorry if I said anything wrong. 

\- No. - Ben revealed his squeaky voice caused by his sensitive throat that was holding back tears. - No, Tom, don't say that. I just don't have words right now to give you as my gratitude... and- and I get emotive too easily so... - His high voice got intense as words were going out, the tears starting to roll down. - I'm sorry. - He chuckled lightly, somewhat ashamed, before leaning his face to his hands to let the tears fall down. 

\- Ben... oh darling. - Tom approached his friend, embracing him as he deserved. - You're all sensitive, yes, like a beautiful flower. 

\- A flower? - Ben asked between a giggle with tears. 

\- Yes. Don't take me wrong, flowers are beautiful and sensitive, okay? It's a compliment. 

\- Okay, I know... thank you. - He wiped his tears, substituting them for a smile while sniffing. 

\- A pinky and sensitive flower.

\- Oh God. - His cheeks got indeed pink, and both laughed. - Thank you, Tom.

\- It's my pleasure, little husband. 

Comfortably, their time that day went on for the rest of the afternoon, until the sky got darker and made them leave. 

Benedict couldn't know exactly what he was feeling. There was finally someone out there that was by his side, someone who didn't judge him for his sentiments. 

By the end of their meeting, Thomas decided to tell about Blake. He confessed too that they weren't boyfriends, but that being Blake's boyfriend was what he most wished to be. He was deeply in love and although he demonstrated it constantly, he suspected Blake didn't know it clearly yet. The courage to confess in complete words was never enough and their relationship would keep having ups and downs, sometimes weak, sometimes strong like it was being improvised. 

It was late, so Ben couldn't ask or try to talk much more about it, so they went home with their goodbyes with the promise that they would see each other again. A promise that kept their hearts excited about something, and less worried about the problems they had to face. 

When he was finally in bed, he realized, after wondering, that Thomas situations now made sense. Their fights about absences and everything... It meant Thomas needed Blake more than Blake needed Thomas. Ben felt sorry for him, he had so much love and affection to offer and yet the receiver wasn't interested... just like... Carl.

" _No_ ", the boy shook his head in denial against his pillow. Thomas wasn't like Carl, he gave love and sentiment for Blake, not suffocation and charges... didn't he? Was Benedict like Blake, then? Someone indeed cold who didn't give Carl credits and satisfaction? Carl would probably approach Tom for real when he figured that out - if he already didn't have - and turn the guy against Benedict. After all, they were in the same situation.

God, he was doomed. And exhausted. 

But it didn't matter, he couldn't let that happen. Not this time, he couldn't. Thomas was his new chance, his new  _friend_ , and he felt he could be the last. He had his support, his friendship and comprehension and... they were each other's escape.

Thomas was Benedict's determination now, something that he hadn't had for a long while. Thomas was his new light in the dark, and he couldn't, he would not lose that.

He couldn't hide it from himself anymore, at last. He was in love. 

 

* * *

 


	6. Lost Boy

 

* * *

 

After spending some time with himself, thinking, reflecting and trying his best not to put pessimism above everything, Thomas concluded that it was time to stop hiding his sentiments. It has been years since he met Blake, and months since he had started to fall in love with the guy. He was living the proof that keeping things hidden was the worst thing to do for one’s self. 

It wasn’t the first time he fell in love, no... but somehow this time it was all more intense. At least... the pain he constantly had was. 

Since his heart started to beat faster for someone else, his sleep wasn't the same, his grades were going down, his mind was in a constant fuss... He was beginning to realize then that he deserved more than that suffering, and Blake deserved to know someone loved him, like Thomas himself wanted to know. Besides, how could he be Blake’s boyfriend one day if they never shared their feelings? Someone must give a start, and he was willing to be the one. Somehow, he felt that it was his responsibility and his only. The blame and guilt, caused by all his unresolved insecurities, was turned into a sort of task. Thomas felt that whatever happened in their relationship, it was on him. It was involuntary... Blake had been leaving the keys, the energy and the living duration of their bond only to the boy for a long time, and since Thomas would always accept it, for being lost inside love, Blake would, deep down, take advantage on him. 

But of course, Tom couldn't know that. His heart didn't let him, nor did his mind. He had a pure soul, and sometimes, an innocent one. 

The one person who was trying to give him more rational thoughts than sentimental ones was Ben; trying to help him get over and take more care of himself. But it was too hard for him, his love was bigger than his mind.

In a way or another, with the pain or not, with the vulnerability of the friendship slash serious relationship in his hand, he had to put his sentiments out, sooner or later. And he knew later could be too late; he could easily lose a chance of a lifetime. 

At the same time... what if Blake denied him? What if he did it and decided that they should end everything for Thomas’ own sake? They had a conversation once, hypothetically, about it. And hypothetically, Blake said he would do just so, saying that it would be for both's own sake, which didn't really make sense since they were good for each other, mostly. Friends are always better when they're together, it means they have someone to trust, they have someone to take care of them. 

Even so, hypothetical things aren’t real ones.

Thomas could be a great boyfriend. He had so much love to give. That should be enough.

The love he felt for Blake was immense, more truthful than anything he had ever had in his life. That was, of course, the main problem, since it wasn’t being reciprocal, but it still could be if he tried a bit more, even though he was already trying his best.

The first step would be taking courage. He hadn’t got much but he was capable. He needed to be. The second, he would have to conquer a nice day with the boy, so their humor will be perfect. And then... just put it out. 

It sounded really easy through his thoughts, but he knew it wouldn’t be, although he also knew it was not impossible. He used to watch so many nice videos of people confessing or asking hands for marriage... he was that people too. He was romantic and he could get there with his love, he just needed to persist. 

Maybe Ben could give him some nice advice, he was good with them. But Tom didn’t want to disturb him... besides, it wasn’t Benedict’s responsibilities to deal with Thomas’ love life. He already had Carl to take care of.

During his whole classes, he analyzed lots of possibilities to come to terms with Blake, so he hadn't paid attention at all to his subjects today. He had a bigger cause. 

He wanted it to be special and simple at the same time. Nothing that would make the boy uncomfortable, that was the most important part of succeeding. 

For that, he desperately wanted to go home and sort things out. He had been impatient the whole morning and when the bells finally rang, announcing the end of one more day of school, he practically ran out of the place, anxious and hopeful at the same time. Today would be the day he may finally have answers for his feelings after so long. He was happy and determined, this day had to be a good day-

Text message.

His phone buzzed and his hard practically did it too. It was probably Blake since he hadn't muted his notifications, and he needed to take the chance to talk to him and invite him for a chat, for a walk, a coffee or whatever. He hadn't decided the place but he couldn't waste time, they could decide together. So Tom took his cell phone, the screen showing Blake's name, which made his heart bump faster. It was a picture. He wondered what it was about and immediately missed the times when the boy sent him nice photos of himself. Smiling pictures, silly pictures... Tom used one for a while in his home screen, but after things became awkward and distant he took it out; he felt that Blake wasn't approving it. 

Curious, he unlocked his phone and opened the message. He realized it was a picture of a girl, he had no idea who it was. So he read the messages above, and he regretted right after.

" _Tom, remember that girl I told you about some days ago?_  
_Elisa. The girl from my work._  
_Oh, man, she's so nice.  
__I have to tell you everything but... to sum up, we kissed! We kissed a fucking lot yesterday._ "

To sum up, his world fell apart. His eyes immediately started to burn along with his chest. His mind went to some kind of shock that he couldn't even think about anything, he stopped completely and all he wanted to do was get the hell out of that school and disappear forever. But he couldn't. All he could do was feel pain and cry, barely walking his way home. Once again he was completely broken inside, punched by a reality that he had avoided and fought against with, with all the strength he had, but for nothing. He wasted his soul for nothing, he wasted his heart for nothing. Once again, his reality was so much worse than his wishes; nothing ever happened according to his wills, no one ever loved him the way he did, and he was so tired, so exhausted of that. 

So he really wished he could vanish, he really wished he would stop being a burden on everyone's lives. He wished he'd die and never feel any other pain, ever. And he knew going home would only increase his suffering since his father charged him so much about everything in the world because he didn't have only a bad love life, he also had a terrible family. 

Everything came back to his mind. The more he cried, the more bad memories were brought inside. He remembered all he had been through in his last relationship, how much the previous boy he loved had used him and made him feel bad. Now, again, he failed on being enough. He failed to gain the heart of the person he loved, the only person he thought he could ever have something nice with. 

That day, he came to the conclusion that he was definitely going to die alone and that his days were counted. He had no reasons to stay alive anymore... he just needed to find the courage to go and a way how. 

When he finally arrived in his house, his father was away, and he thanked all the Gods for that. At least for a while, he could be alone to cry his heart out without a disturb. He fell on his bed and buried his face against his pillow. He cried and cried more, his chest hurting so bad that it seemed like it'd explode, his head beating in a constant and intense pain. He felt so weak that after long minutes crying, he didn't have any energy left to stand up and do anything. He needed to at least have a shower before his father was home but, maybe he wouldn't even realize the sorrow in his son's eyes. He didn't pay so much attention. 

But after trying so many times, he managed to go for a shower. 

Sadness was still taking control of his whole self, but now at least he could breathe a little more properly. 

He felt the cold water dripping through his body, mixing the feel of that with the feel of all the pains he was feeling in his body. His mind left this world to go to another, one where he would be accepted, one that he could be loved... and then, he thought about Ben. He realized, then... he needed Ben. He desperately needed someone who would listen and at least give him a small comfort. The only person who had never made him feel silly, crazy or fool. He needed a  _friend_. 

After his shower, he took a big glass of water and took a deep breath. He still needed to answer Blake... he couldn't just ignore him. Now, he'd definitely have to hide his sentiments and not answering could make them obvious. So he tried his best not to sound broken through the words.

"Hey, Blake. 

Yeah, I remember her. 

That's nice to know." 

That was the best he could do. 

"Missed you."

 _Ugh, Thomas. Why are you like that!?_ , he thought after sending the last message.  _I'm a fool and I admit it._

Then, he swiped up and took a print screen of the first part of Blake's messages and opened Benedict's chat. It hurt everything all over again and he sighed, trying not to cry, although his eyes were still heavy with so much to put it out yet. After some seconds considering, he sent the picture. 

"I give up.", was his description, and he really was giving up. He didn’t have much to live for anymore... except for Ben. But he was sure it wouldn’t last, it never did. He would always make people go away, he’d always scare them or suffocate them to a point where they’d give up. 

Benedict didn’t see it like that, no. Thomas was wrong.

The problem about the blonde boy was that he had the wrong life in the right soul. He had an amazing heart, he had wonderful eyes for things and people around him and a great mind, but no one saw that. His family made him miserable, his love interests would make him feel terrible and not worth to be loved as if he was never enough. _So why bother Benedict with the newest problem if I'm giving up? He has more important issues than me_ , his mind started to conclude, because he'd always think he's the trouble, he's so used to be treated like one that considering himself one had become a habit. But deep down, he knew that was not true. Deep down he knew things weren't like that, but he was too scared to admit it and be opposed by everyone once more. 

Everyone except Benedict. 

The reason why he sent the print screen to Benedict was that he had that far away light in the darkness sentiment about the boy. He wanted so bad someone to be by his side, he needed it. And he had that small hope on his friend. He didn't stop believing that their friendship would still be ruined someday, though, but the boy gave him ears and eyes, so he had to try. He didn't have any other way out, after all. 

He had to wait. Wait for Ben's replies and wait for life to give him a chance to leave. Waiting was terrible until he realized it had been only 5 minutes since he sent the message, then it became even more terrible. He tried not to have another anxiety crisis, but it was being so hard to avoid that. Each second that passed felt like an eternity of judgments falling over him with a weight he couldn't bear. He needed some air but it felt like there was no oxygen left for him. He needed a shoulder to rest his head and cry but it seemed all the shoulders had turned away and made him fall. He desperately needed a distraction, but how could he forget something that's so craved and marked inside his beating heart? 

Blake was sending him more messages but he didn’t know how to deal anymore. His chest was burning to know what it was about but he knew it would be worse to know. 

It wasn’t love yet, but Blake wasn’t the type of guy who would make out and never think about it again... which was one of the reasons why Thomas loved him, after all. Sooner or later, it’d turn into something more serious. Sooner or later, that girl would have everything he was dreaming about since he had started to know the boy.

 _Why can’t it be me?_  

He didn’t want to share. He didn’t want to watch someone else kissing, hugging and being romantic to Blake. He could do that! 

_What does she have that I don’t?_

Maybe the fact that she was a girl, meaning that he could be straight. Then, his chances would completely fall into zero. Then, things would be really, really the worst he has ever lived, because after all, his hopes were still alive. Breathing with the help of many, many medicines and bandages, but it was still alive.

For now, his healthy hope was Benedict and his support, which was once more accomplished through the replies he finally received.

“ _Tom... I am so sorry._

 _How do you feel about it_?”

He wanted to know about Tom’s feelings. At least someone in this world did that.

“Tired.”

“ _Tell me more._ ”

He hesitated. He would cry again. 

“ _Can I call you?_ ”

Now he was definitely going to cry.

Benedict had probably seen that Thomas had visualized the message, so that's why he didn't wait for a response. When Tom realized, his phone was buzzing and Ben's name was showing as the incoming call. He didn't hesitate much this time before answering, but he was afraid he might regret it. He was in a weak, fragile situation. 

-  _Hey... -_ he heard his friend's voice. 

\- Hi Ben. - he answered shyly, his voice already weakened by the tears that were wanting to come back.

\- _It's okay if you feel like crying._

Tom wondered how could that boy always know what he was feeling. Maybe he was too obvious, or maybe Ben really was that type of guy who reads others like a book. But he was right, and the boy started to cry right after it. He felt embarrassed, he didn't want to sound like an idiot, but he couldn't hold it. There was so much going on inside his head that the first one who tried to reach his heart, the first one who truly asked him how he was feeling, would watch his tears coming down so desperately through his cheeks. 

-  _See? It's okay, Tom. Just put it out. It'll be worse if you keep holding them... I'm here for you._

He wanted to thank him for his words, but all he could do was cry. 

-  _I was being serious on that church, dude. I want to be by your side, to hear you and help you in any way I can, okay?_

Now that he was starting to get calmer, managing to breathe, he said a light yet sincere thank you for the boy.

 - _You don’t need to thank me, it’s okay._

\- Of course, I do...

\- _Nah._

 _-_ Ben.

_\- Yes?_

_-_ Shush. 

_\- Come and shush me._

He giggled very lightly. That was a progress already.

\- _That’s what I like to hear._

\- I was planning to tell him today...

Benedict took some brief seconds to answer.

_\- You mean..._

\- Telling him about my feelings. My love. Everything.

\- _Oh, Tom. I’m so sorry. That’s so unfair._

\- So is everything... I feel like things won’t ever work for me, Ben. - The boy didn’t reply. Tom felt the silence as Ben’s way to give him space for more, without interruption, and so he took the chance. - In my life, I can never be enough. My first relationship was so messy, so screwed, that even years passing I am still not able to get over it. My family has always treated me like a tool for them, and my father takes all the strength from me that I barely have. Now... Blake was... - He sighed, frustrated for having difficulty to talk. - He was so important to me. He was everything to me. He was the best person I’ve had in my life but now I’m losing him for someone else, someone he doesn’t even know so well... 

\- _Tom... Look. First of all, none of this is your fault. All of this is not on you. Your life being unfair is not as if it was a consequence of your acts. You’ve done nothing wrong! Tell me, what’s so wrong in loving someone?  -_ He didn't know how to answer, he could never find the answer to that. - ...  _As I told you once, your feelings matter. I know it hurts to hear that but Blake is not even caring about your feelings, he's always just telling about him and his life. By the way you tell me, he never even asks how are you doing._

\- He stopped a while ago- but I don't mind, I-... I like to hear... - He said the last words lower as if realizing how much he was being used and accepting it.

-  _But that's not right, Tom!_ \- Ben said, controlling his indignity in a calm voice. -  _If you like it or not, he should hear you too. It's not even about giving the love back to you, it's about being charismatic and honest. Being humble._ \- He didn't know if he felt more bad, for accepting those things and being blind for his love, or better, to have someone who was willing to open his eyes. - ...  _What I mean is... you don't deserve that. You deserve so much more, love._

Thomas smiled with the pronoun. Benedict was so caring, so attention to him... maybe the  _more_ he was speaking was Benedict himself. Maybe he should start to give Benedict the attention back and stop talking about Blake.

But it was too soon, and, besides, he wouldn't risk considering the start of another love. When he does that, he dives deep down, he goes with everything he has, and that's exactly the problem. For now, he had to try his best to keep going and maybe, start believing in his friend's words that he deserved better, so he could unchain himself from those abusive feelings and set him free. 

\- Do you think so?

-  _Yes!_ \- He replied without even thinking. -  _You deserve everything that's good in the world, Thomas. And I know you'll disagree because you're a fucking stubborn little husband but I swear to you I will do what I can to make you believe that._

Thomas giggled lightly.

- Thank you, Benny. 

-  _I mean it... and it might sound silly to your ears now but, you'll find someone, and someone will find you. It's a matter of time, but you will. And you'll see that you had always deserved to be loved right._

 _-_ Thank you... - he sighed. - but I don't think I'll ever love someone as I love him. 

-  _Well..._ \- Benedict sighed deeply. His voice losing somehow the initial tone it had as if something in its inner side had changed. -  _we'll see._

 

* * *

 

 


End file.
